Journaling

When a woman loses her mom, it's kind of like losing a part of herself.

At least, that is how I feel about it. There are so many questions that I wish I could ask my mom: questions about motherhood and parenting, about marriage and relationships. Sometimes I feel alone and wish I had my mom to talk to about some of these more personal topics. I wonder if my mom has ever had the same thoughts or feelings as I do? Has she ever struggled with any of the things that I struggle with?

Last weekend, my dad pulled out my mom's journal. She only kept one and it was only about 70 pages long, written between the years of 1980-2002. But finding it and being able to read thoughts and experiences of my mom, in her own handwriting, was like finding a treasure. I cannot begin to put into the words the comfort and the connection that I felt to my mom when I read her words. I read about her joys and sorrows of being a motherhood (mostly joy...but motherhood is a difficult job much of the time). I was able to read how she felt about her children, about me. I read about events that had taken place, many of which I remember, from my mom's viewpoint. I read of her deep love for my dad. I always knew how much she loved my dad, but when I read her words it was like I was looking into her soul and seeing her deepest, most tender feelings. While I feverishly read and devoured each word, I felt an inexplicable bond to my mom. I found a part of myself in her, a part that I have been missing for a long time now.

I've thought a lot about this over the past couple years-about missing out on all of these discussions and connections with my mom. My biggest fear is that someday my children will have to go through this, especially my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys with all my heart, but daughters need their moms in a different way than sons do. At any rate, at the beginning of this year, I decided to start a journal specifically for each child. I don't write as often as I'd like, but I strive to write down thoughts and feelings to each individual child when I feel compelled. Hopefully I will be around for a long while for my children, but if I'm not, then I want them to know me and I want them to know how I feel about them. Hopefully my journals to them will be a treasure, just as my mom's journal is to me.