Everyone said the first holidays without your loved one are rough. I guess I didn't anticipate it would be so hard because we had started losing my mom a long time ago. She hadn't known what Christmas was for a few years. Yet, it was different and it was painful not having her there with us physically. No gifts to put under the tree. No hugs to give. No pictures to take. All we could do was visit her grave; a piece of stone with her name and picture on it.
We did, as a family, go over and decorate her grave. I'd like to think she was looking in on us and saw the love we have for her. We visited our other loved ones who are buried at that same cemetery as well: my grandparents, great-grandparents and nephew.
I decided a while ago that I would continue with making English Toffee this Christmas, in honor of Mom. As you may remember, I have been making my mom's famous English Toffee for Christmas and Mother's Day for the past few years to raise money for my mom's caregiving fund. Obviously that need is gone, but I have some devoted customers who look forward to toffee season and I figured it would be a nice way to honor and remember her at the holidays. I decided to make a donation to The DEANA Foundation with the money raised this year. I didn't think it would be a difficult task; I've been doing this for years and have enjoyed doing it for my mom. The difference that I didn't anticipate was that I am no longer doing this for my mom, but rather in memory of. It hit me much harder than I expected. On day one of making toffee, I ended up crying on my kitchen floor, two separate times. I always thought it was over-dramatic in the movies when people would crunch up in a ball and cry; I've never been that kind of crier. I get it now. Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of it and finish the job. It helped to have my aunt and sister-in-law come over a time or two to help me out so I wasn't alone with my thoughts. I got through toffee season and I made around 90 pounds of toffee!
On Christmas morning, I woke up with the flu. I didn't know it was the flu at first. It started with a slight cough that hurt my chest, and throughout the day I felt progressively worse. I started getting body aches, fever and chills and I just felt tired. It wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my Christmas, but if I'm being completely honest it did distract me from missing my mom because all I could think about was getting through the day and going to bed at the end of it. Having family around also helped to make the day brighter.
I know my dad struggled a lot this season. I can only imagine what he's going through. I know how hard it has been for me and hard as that is, I have no doubt that it's ten times harder for him. But, we got through it and are looking forward to brighter days. Just after the new year, dad and I visited Mom's grave (as we do every Sunday) and we talked about the struggles of moving forward and feeling joy after losing her. My dad said something that really made me pause and think. To preface this, he remarked how he'd been watching "Castaway" a lot lately. At the end of the movie, Chuck talks about how he survived for four years, alone on that island. My dad quoted a part of the movie; here is the quote directly from Chuck's mouth:
"I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
My dad has lost my mom and some days it feels that all hope is lost with her. Yet, no matter what, the sun is going to continue to rise each day, whether we want it to or not. It is up to us to decide how we want each day to be. Some days will be easier than others, but who knows what tomorrow might bring? Even through the sorrow, we can find joy. It may only be a moment here and there, but hopefully the joy will soon outweigh the pain.
In thinking about this new year, I've thought a lot about how I can find my joy again. The ache in my heart for my mom will never go away, but I am trying my best to live each day focusing on the good things that I have in my life. Will I stop crying for her? No, I don't believe I ever will. But I am resolved to do my best to focus on the things that bring me joy.
I would be ungrateful if I decided not to share our success experience with ZOMO, I was a born caregiver, so it’s hard for me to look at my own needs as separate from my Dad’s needs. Most patients just need someone to hug them and tell them that they are not worthless, the treatment I tried not only worked but I believe cured him.
ReplyDeleteHe was diagnosed in 2011. I took Dad to the GP after noticing that he had become increasingly forgetful and vague. The clear sign that something was wrong came when he drove his car to the local shops (a five minute drive), bought his shopping, then walked back home, forgetting the car was parked outside the shop. The next day he rang me to say the car had been stolen. He had no recollection of leaving it behind. After a week he began to repeat himself and ask the same questions. He would struggle to remember conversations that had only occurred five minutes earlier.
His situation was very complicated. I understand how one feel as a daughter and once caregiver, memory loss is so much more complicated. Many have been conditioned to think that traditional medicine has not found a cure for a disease. ZOMO have challenged this train of my thought. When he was ill, it was a tragedy, I endured, I was broken, I knew hardship, I was lost. But here I stand and I can tell you unequivocally that my Dad is cured. It is those of us who have been broken that understand the meaning of memory loss. As I look at the past and start writing this, tears of joy overwhelm me. I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better. It was one of my most difficult jobs and one that I poured my heart and soul into daily. Taking into account how well my Dad progressed in that space of time and now. There is no more memory loss symptoms for more than 6months now. The thing is, I get peace of mind when Dad is well taken care of: when he’s happy, I’m happy. Right now, it’s all about him…I always enter into his world so we can manage life together. We wake up every morning with a smile and we look forward to what the new day will bring. Reach out to him at charantova@gmail.com
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The side effects. As I was reading more about Dementia on the internet, I met with some comments of people testifying about Dr. Rohan's BRONGEE HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS that it works for Alzheimer's and Dementia. I contacted the doctor immediately and explained my mother's condition to him, he assured me that my mom will be fine and her memory will come back to normal. I ordered his Herbal Supplements and it was delivered to me here in Canada by DHL courier company in less than a week with instructions on how to use them attached in the package. After 3 weeks of using these herbs, we began to see improvement, after 6 months my mom was better, and it's been 2 years now and my mom is completely free from this horrible disease called dementia. In case your loved one is suffering from Alzheimer's/Dementia I will advise you to use BRONGEE HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS. You can contact Dr. Rohan via email dr.rohanronjohn@gmal.com or WhatsApp +393512146722
ReplyDeleteMake me a promise Bianca, my mother said. "Promise me you won't put me in a home or make me live with one of your sisters". It was a joke at the time when my mom was just starting to forget things. 06/08/2019 was the hardest day of my life. Watching my mom talk to herself, packing her things 2-3 times a day, saying she has to go home. It was heartbreaking. I broke down and cried with her a few times and then I realized how hard it must be on my dad too. He can't leave the house, he has to convince her that she lives in their house. I came to the decision to quit my job. My dad needs help. I live 7 hours away but instead of visiting my parents, I'll be visiting my husband. My mom has always been there for me and been my best friend so I want to be there for her. I keep telling myself that I can snap her out of it. I got her numerous medications including DONEPEZIL and MEMANTINE instead of helping her, they almost destroyed her due to the side effects. As I was reading more about Dementia on the internet, I met with some comments of people testifying about Dr. Rohan and his BRONGEE HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS that it works for Alzheimer's and Dementia. I contacted the doctor immediately and explained my mother's condition to him, he assured me that my mom will be fine and her memory will come back to normal. I ordered his Herbal Supplements and it was delivered to me here in Canada by DHL courier company in less than a week with instructions on how to use them attached in the package. After 3 weeks of using these herbs, we began to see improvement, after 6 months my mom was better, and it's been 2 years now and my mom is completely free from this horrible disease called dementia. In case your loved one is suffering from Alzheimer's/Dementia I will advise you to use BRONGEE HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS it may also help you. You can contact Dr. Rohan via email; dr.rohanronjohn@gmail.com and Whatsapp; +393512146722 to get yours.
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