The Shower Struggles

Since last fall, I have been going over to Mom's house 3 times a week to help her through the shower. This was a result of her going days without showering. My dad, of course, would help her get in a couple times a week, but at that time Mom was still on somewhat of a schedule; or, at least, she knew day from night. This presented a challenge because if Dad showered her when he got home from work at night, Mom became confused. Showers signaled morning time for her. Bathing her in the morning was difficult for Dad for a couple reasons: 1. Mom was often still asleep when he left and 2. It made him run late out the door. In trying to lift my dad's load, I volunteered to go over a few times a week to help her get through the shower.

In the beginning it was pretty simple. I would help her get undressed because she wouldn't voluntarily take off her clothes to hop in. Once in the shower, she was able to go wash her hair and her body on her own. Nevermind that she used 1/4 of the bottle of shampoo, conditioner and soap each time; she was getting the job done.

Over the course of the past 9 or 10 months, Mom's abilities to shower herself have decreased. At first it was just cutting out the conditioner, then forgetting to wet her hair before she poured the shampoo on top. All of these changes have forced me to get a little more involved with the showering process. My dad put on a detachable shower head to make the job a little easier.

Our latest routine is this:

I arrive at Mom's house after I drop the kids off to school. I get all of her clothes ready and laid out on her vanity where she can see them. She gets very anxious if she doesn't see clothes laid out for her. I change out all of her towels and washcloths in the bathroom. The towels have become an issue...for some reason Mom uses them to wipe herself now. It's gotten to the point where (just this week) we bought her separate washcloths to leave in there for the sole purpose of her wiping and we take all of her shower towels out now after we are finished with showering. I get her blow dryer ready and make sure everything is set to go; once she's in the shower, I can't leave her (I used to prep everything while she was in the shower). Only once everything is ready to go do I begin the strip down. I remove her mismatched earrings and adjustable "wedding" ring from her finger. She isn't too happy about that, especially because I think she knows what is to come once the jewelry comes off. I remove her shoes and socks, then the rest of her clothing, with no help from her. It's like removing clothing from a struggling toddler, only she is bigger than me. She will sometimes try to grab the clothes back from me or out of the hamper, so I have to be assertive and redirect her. We are fortunate that she doesn't get aggressive with us (aggression is common in many forms of dementia). I have to gently push her into the bathroom, where I turn on the shower head and she shakes her head at me, "no, no."

Once I get her in the shower, she kind of stands around, not sure what to do. The bathroom is very small; there is just enough room for the shower stall and the toilet. There isn't much room to maneuver around in so I've had to be creative in getting the job done. I usually step onto the toilet and lean over the top of the shower, removing the shower head to wet down her head. Usually she will grab the empty bottle of shampoo that sits on the shelf and then I take the full shampoo bottle, which sits on the back of the toilet, and pour it into her hands. She will slap it onto her head and put her hand out for more, so I put the conditioner in her hands. She doesn't make any efforts to rub it in anymore, so I lean over while she reaches for her loofah sponge and I quickly scrub her head. She holds her sponge out for me to put soap on, which bottle also sits on the back of the toilet (we moved it all outside the shower because of the incredible amount of soaps she was using). She used to wash her whole body herself, but now she runs it quickly across her chest and then hangs the sponge back up and turns off the water, without rinsing. This is where it gets tricky. I stand overhead with the shower head, trying to rinse her hair quickly, but once that water gets shut off she is ready to get out of the shower. This leads me to opening the right side of the shower door, turning on the water again, while Mom grabs the squeegee to wipe off the shower doors. It fascinates me that with everything she's forgotten, she still attempts to wipe down the glass doors with the squeegee! While she is distracted with that, I grab her loofah sponge and quickly try to wash all of her body parts, and yes, I mean all of them. This can be a bit uncomfortable for me, but I'm learning to deal with it. Sometimes she is done before I can wash all parts, so I have to physically get in there and put my foot against the door so that she doesn't open it. Last Friday, I forgot that important step in the process (putting my foot to block the door) and in an attempt to jet out of the shower, Mom opened the left side shower door and slammed it into my head. It hurt like heck and left a pretty good goose egg just above my eyebrow! You can kind of see it in the picture, it's kind of hard because I do have make-up on, but if you look closely you can see it (I was going to an 80's dance with my son, so don't mind the gobs of make-up and 80's accessories, ha ha).

It's a struggle to get her washing and rinsing completed, but I usually win, though I'm usually wet by the time this whole process is over. I've learned to take off my shoes and socks and usually come over in my work out clothes now.

Mom then grabs the towel and begins drying off. She used to be very thorough at drying herself, getting every nook and cranny. Now, she leaves herself very wet so I take the towel and help her to dry off her body and squeeze the excess water from her hair. Just as I used to do with my children when they were toddlers, I help my mom get dressed. I prep her underwear and bring it down to her feet where she can step into them, holding onto the wall. Then I put on her undershirt as she lifts her arms over her head and dives her head in the hole of the neckline that I have stretched open for her. Next comes her pants and then her shirt. It has to be in this order or she gets confused. If I hold up the shirt before the pants then she will think she needs to step into them, so I try to keep it in the same order. Up until a couple of months ago, Mom was putting on her own shoes and socks, but that has become increasingly difficult for her. Now, she holds her foot out for me, only raising it a couple of inches and holding her balance on the wall or vanity, while I scrunch up her socks and place them on her feet, stretching them past her heel and up her ankle.

It's becoming a bit trickier to get the job done, but between my dad and me, we seem to get the job done and come up with creative ways to make it happen. We've contemplated putting her in the bathtub rather than the shower, but I think that would be harder because she doesn't know the bathtub, she knows the shower. Since she doesn't really know day from night anymore (she is up in the middle of the night almost regularly), I think it might be easier for my dad to just hop in there with her at night and shower her; not that I'm trying to get out of helping...I'm happy to help. I'm just brainstorming the most effective to handle the situation. It is working for right now...but it gets more and more difficult with each passing week.

Mother's Week

Probably the hardest week of the whole year is [what I call] Mother’s Week. Mom’s birthday always falls in the same week as Mother’s Day-sometimes even on the same day. In fact, two years ago, her birthday fell on Mother’s Day. It was the last birthday she remembered, as I had predicted in my post.

Last year, she had no clue what Mother’s Day, OR her birthday, were. We were hopeful that something might spark her memory, but without any luck.

This year, we knew well enough that she would have no clue about any of it. She doesn’t know what day of the week it is, let alone the month or day or anything significant. She has lost concept of time, oftentimes doesn’t know the difference between day and night, and one day just runs into the next for her.

The week leading up to Mother’s Week was a little emotional, as I prepared for another year without my mom. But I didn’t want to spoil the day by feeling sorry for myself, so I prepared myself mentally and made plans to spend time with my mom, despite her lack of comprehension. I still feel the need to DO something for my mom on special occassions, but what can you do for someone who doesn’t understand and appreciate the significance of the day, or have any interest in anything?

The best thing I can do for my mom is to care for her. So I decided to sell my toffee again to raise money for her caregiving fund. I kind of put it out there last minute, but I sold about 40 pounds! Thanks to my sister and my sister-in-law, Amber, for donating some of their time to help me get this done. I tend to bite off more than I can chew ;) Doing this helped me to feel like, despite mom’s lack of understanding, I was still able to give something to her to honor her special days.

On Mother’s Day, I enjoyed a short visit with mom, at her house. I took her to do the one thing she still seems to enjoy: take a walk to her sister’s house. She only stays for 2-3 minute visits now, but that 2 minutes makes her day. Twice, as we were walking, I could make out the words “Thank you thank you” as we made our way to her sister’s. Simple as it is, it’s the best I could think of to do for her.

On her birthday, we celebrated (without her) at her favorite restaurant once again: Miguel’s Jr. We did it as our 2nd annual foundation fundraiser in honor of my mom. I’m not sure yet how we did (financially), but there were quite a few familiar faces in the dining room and people I didn’t even recognize who walked in with fliers. Word is getting out; people are hearing about the foundation and supporting our cause while friends continue to come and celebrate my mom and support us in our journey. This support means the world to me. I know it means a lot to my dad, as well.

Mother’s Week was emotional; I think it always will be. I’ve learned that it’s okay to let a few tears slide. Though there was sadness in missing my mom, there was also a beauty in celebrating her and serving her. I am continued to be touched by the friendship and the love of friends and family that surround me. For that, I feel truly blessed.

I don’t know what next year holds for us, but for this year, she was still here physically and I was able to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her; I am grateful for that.