Christmas 2015

It's been a while since my last post. The holidays were quite busy for me this year and it didn't leave me much time for blogging. I did my 3rd annual toffee fundraiser to raise money for mom's caregiving fund. Each year it is more successful. This year I made over 70 pounds of toffee which profited more than $1000 for her fund. I couldn't have done it without help: namely my Aunt Claudia, sisters-in-law Amber and Natalie, daughter Maurina and son-in-law Cameron. I want to thank them all publicly for helping me with this effort! And of course all of the people who buy from us every year!!

I have to admit, the holidays left me feeling more than a little down this year. I feel like I've been able to keep upbeat the past couple years despite our loss, but this year it hit me hard. Mom's disease has progressed so much over the year that it leaves me to wonder what next Christmas will bring. Or will she even be here next Christmas? Last year she had no concept of Christmas, but we were still able to engage her for a few brief minutes to look at some gifts we had bought her. And we were also able to get her over to her sister's house on Christmas Eve to spend some time with her family. This year was even worse than last. There was absolutely NO engagement at all. We knew we wouldn't be able to get her over to her sister's house again (I'm not entirely sure that she even knows who her sister, Claudia, is despite the fact that she comes over every week). We didn't even attempt to take her because she wouldn't have understood and would have been anxious to leave the entire time.

Christmas day was just like every other day for her. Nobody really got mom anything for Christmas this year because we all knew that it meant nothing to her. My dad, however, did put a few gifts under the tree for her: a couple pairs of pants and a new shirt. I just don't think he could've done Christmas any other way. He couldn't get her to open them or even hold them at all; she paid no attention to any of it. I suspect that so long as she is physically here, there will always be at least a few presents under the tree.

I struggled with the gift giving this year too. I knew it wouldn't mean anything to her but at the same time, I couldn't stand the thought of not having something for my mom under the tree. A couple of months ago, I bought a new semi-professional embroidery machine. I have been having so much fun with it (sewing is my outlet and stress relief!) and I've made some really cute projects for myself, my family and friends and also for customers. One project, in particular, kept turning my thoughts to my mom. I created a pillow cover with an embroidered temple and phrase "Families are Forever" on it. The temple is significant in our religion because it is what (we believe) binds families together not just in this life, but in the eternities. My mom loved the temple and she and my dad made their family a forever family in 1982, when I was just 11 months old. I knew that if my mom was here today in her right mind, that she would adore my pillow and want one for her couch. My belief in eternal families is what keeps me going in a positive direction. Though we are losing her in this life, it is not the end. One day, mom will be whole again and we will be together again. That is the only thing that gives me any comfort.

The idea sounded a little silly even to me, but I decided I was going to make my mom a pillow for Christmas. I knew she wouldn't open it or even look at it, let alone understand the significance of what it meant. Nevertheless, I decided this was the perfect gift for my mom. So I made the pillow and I let my dad stand in for mom to open it on Christmas morning. I felt really choked up when he opened it, imagining my mom's reaction had she not been stricken with this awful disease. My dad's eyes may have been a bit misty when he opened it (though I can neither confirm nor deny...he isn't one to show much emotion-he's a tough guy- and I'd never throw him under the bus and tell all his secrets ;) ). I like to think that maybe in the next life, mom will remember all that happened in her life-maybe like she's woken from a dream. Maybe someday she will appreciate the gift I made for her.

There isn't much else to say. I love the holidays, but I'm glad they're over. I don't know what next year brings, but it will be sad for a long time. Somehow, I have to figure out a way to feel happy and not sad. I am very blessed to have a beautiful family, immediate and extended, that bring joy into my life. I can never fill the void of my mom, but I try to focus on the positive things in my life rather than the negative. Some days (and years) are harder than others.

Next week I'll give a full update on mom's phase/stage/health.

Christmas 2014

This Christmas went about as well as expected. Mom had no idea what Christmas was; it is the first year that she has completely forgotten the holidays. That was a little tough...we kept trying to spark her memory with different Christmas decorations, traditions, etc. But it was to no avail. Mom lives in a small little world that revolves around medicine, eating and sleeping. She knows about little else.

My Aunt Claudia (mom's sister) planned a Christmas Eve party at her house. This used to be our family tradition-up until my grandparents died a few years back. Christmas Eve was always a lovely affair. Grandma spent days beforehand baking an array of Christmas goodies and prepared tins of treats for everyone. Dozens of presents were lined under the tree for all of the kids, grandkids and my grandparents. Nobody was forgotten. Aunt Claudia really wanted to recreate Christmas Eve and really wanted my mom to be there. We knew that mom wasn't going to understand the significance or meaning to our traditional gathering, but we really wanted to try to get her there anyway. It was nothing short of a Christmas miracle that dad was able to get mom into the car that Christmas Eve afternoon and across town to her sister's house.

When mom arrived at her sister's house, she walked through the house, searching for people and trying to make sense of who everyone was. Unfortunately, she never connected who her nieces and nephews were and it even took her awhile to figure out who my brother and his wife were (they had arrived at my Aunt's directly from Arizona). She paced the house for a good amount of time; it was hard to get her to settle down. She walked around, repeating,

"I miss my brother Jeff, I wish he was here I miss him."

We laughed a couple times when she wandered around searching for the grandkids - my sister's daughter, Raelynn, in particular. At one point, mom stuck her head outside the back door in an effort to locate Raelynn and as Raelynn responded to grandma's calls, my mom took Raelynn by the hand and brought her over to my sister, stating,

"Here you need to be with your mom, you should stay with your mom."

We were able to finally get her to settle down and sit with us; for a little while, anyway. When she was ready to go, she was ready to go! She charged out the door and plopped herself down inside dad's truck at one point. She eventually had to go potty and reluctantly came back inside the house. Before she could head back to the truck, we pulled her into a family picture and dad was able to settle her down once again (I think he bribed her by showing her her nightly medicines).

She didn't understand one bit of Christmas Eve, but we were able to get her there and spend some time together as a family. My Aunt did a beautiful job of recreating our Christmases of the past. I know that we will look back on this memory with fondness and I'm glad mom was able to be there in some small way.

Christmas Day didn't go as well as Christmas Eve. Of course mom is set in her own routine so it meant nothing to her when we all showed up Christmas morning for our traditional Christmas breakfast and gift exchange. We tried to get her to sit with us to open up some presents, but it was her time to sit on her bed and watch the clock for the next hour until it was time to potty. My sisters and I took in some presents for her to open in her bedroom. I was the smart one of the group (ha ha) and I put her presents in an open basket rather than in a gift bag, since I knew she wouldn't understand that concept. It's hard to Christmas shop for someone who just sits on her bed half the day, so we all opted out of sentimental gifts and bought her practical gifts that she would enjoy instead, which includes: make up, Ensure and Bath & Body Works. When I presented her her basket, she couldn't connect that it was a gift. She must have thought that I was showing her something that she already had. It wasn't until my sis-n-law stepped in and starting taking body lotions out of her gift bag that the light bulb suddenly went on.

"Oh, this is for me? You bought this for me too? Oh yeah, that's so good."

And with that, mom took her gifts and put them in her home.

Mom lost interest in viewing her other gifts after she put her lotions away, so when she came out of her room to take her empty "Slim Fast" cup to the kitchen sink, we redirected her to the couch in an effort to get her to open up the rest of her gifts. She didn't understand what we wanted her to do and she kept trying to get up to leave. My brother and I held her on the couch for a few minutes, with me draping my legs over her in an effort to get her to stay, he he. As we tried to explain to her that she had more gifts, mom complained about how she needed to go up to the store to get more make-up. My dad brought over his gift bag to her which contained more make-up than any one person needed. When mom inspected eyeliners (tearing it out of it's packages to make sure it was the right one) she wiggled her way out of our grasp and made a mad dash to her bathroom, where she put her gifts in their home.

All in all, I enjoyed the holiday season. I wasn't expecting much with mom so I wasn't let down as hard, if that makes sense. I still miss her all the time and it's so disheartening to watch her slip away and disengage with the family. I just can't imagine what next year will bring, although traveling anywhere (even across town) will be out of the question I'm sure.

You might also notice some other changes in mom. She has started using her blue eyeliner/eyeshadow for her eyebrows. The first time this happened (a few weeks ago) I thought it was a simple mistake. But she's been doing her make-up like this ever since. She also wears her shirts backwards most days. :(

What Matters Most

I absolutely love the holiday season. The changing seasons, the chill in the air, the scents of pumpkin and holiday spices, the feeling of gratitude and helping others in need...I love everything about this season-from October until January.

Now that Halloween and October birthdays are over, I decided to get focused on Christmas! I know...can't the turkey have his holiday? ;) I really want to get my Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving so that I can sit back and truly enjoy all the holiday traditions and festivities that the season brings. I don't want to have to think about shopping after November! Yesterday, while my kids were at school and my youngest was at his preschool group, I decided to tackle some Christmas shopping. I love Christmas presents, and not for materialistic reasons. I really enjoy finding that "perfect" gift for the people I love. I love seeing their faces when they open up their gifts that I've carefully selected that I know they'll love. I love gifts because I love giving.

While driving to my shopping destinations yesterday, I was alone in my thoughts. It's a rare occasion that I drive anywhere alone; those quiet moments always cause me to pause and reflect. My thoughts quickly turned to my mom. Last year, we had a pretty good feeling that it was our last Christmas with mom knowing what the holiday was. Given that she hasn't been remembering any of our birthdays over the past few months, I am doubtful that she will have any clue about what the upcoming holidays represent. I was remembering the beautiful quilt I made her last year and how excited I was to give it to her. I was very proud of that perfect gift I had created for her. And then my thoughts turned to a day, not too long ago, when I was at mom's house. She was sitting on her bed in her usual silence, arms folded across her stomach. I tried to strike up a conversation with her and reached for the blanket that was folded up on dad's side of the bed. I spread the quilt across the two of us and pointed to some pictures of her grandkids.

"Remember this blanket I made for you last Christmas? Who are these people on here, mom. Do you remember?" I asked, pointing at the square with my son's face printed on.

Mom wouldn't meet my eyes nor would she look at the blanket. She seemed agitated that I was bothering her with incessant chatter.

"No, that goes there," she finally responded, grabbing the quilt from me and tossing it back to my dad's side of the bed.

As I reflected on this, driving in my car on my way to pick out those perfect gifts, I thought about all of the perfect gifts I have selected for my mom over the years. Though they were meaningful in the moment, they mean nothing to her now. They hold no value or significance to mom any longer. All of the material things that she owns in life- every gift she's received and everything she has worked so hard to buy for herself- no longer holds meaning for her (save it be her blow dryer, make up, and a few other daily objects that she uses). What makes it even harder is that not only do the "things" we've gotten her no longer matter, but even the memories of them are fading; the memory of why each of her belongings are significant.

As this realization hit me, my perspective changed just a little. I spend so much time thinking about getting the perfect gift and giving people "things" that will make them happy. At the end of the day, is that what really matters? I'm not saying that it's not important to me; I still love giving personal gifts to my loved ones and seeing that look of happiness when they open their gift. But thinking about my mom was a reminder to me to focus on what matters most: spending time and making memories with the people I love. I am excited to get those special gifts and by Thanksgiving, I'd like to have them all wrapped and ready to place under the Christmas tree so that I can devote the rest of my energy on making the season special for those around me. We can't take our material things with us when we die. My mom has already reached the point where those material things don't matter. Unfortunately even her memories are leaving her. But I believe that one day, all of those memories will be restored. Traditions, time spent with loved one, lifting those up around us, making memories...that is what matters the most!

Christmas 2013

Another year has gone by. Christmas wasn’t the worst case scenario with mom; she remembered what the 25th represented. But the changes in mom were very obvious and we believe this is likely the last year that mom will remember what Christmas is. We decided to just make the most of what we have and I tried really hard this year to adopt an attitude of positivity and focus on what we have rather than be down about what we’ve lost.

Last year, mom was obsessed with continuing her family tradition of gathering her family together for Christmas Eve. This year, we heard not one word about Christmas Eve. As the 24th approached, we made plans to have a more intimate celebration with only my siblings (and their families) and my parents (rather than the usual extended family celebrations from the past). On Christmas Eve, we gathered at mom and dad’s house with our traditional holiday foods and gifts. Mom didn’t understand why we were there.

“Christmas is tomorrow, the 25th,” she said.

We tried to explain Christmas Eve, but the memories have seemingly disappeared. It took a lot of coaxing and convincing to get mom to sit down and open presents with us. In spite of the sad reality of the situations, we tried to find the humor and the bright spots of the night. Mom was really cute (and funny) when she opened her gifts. With each gift, she looked at it as if it were a foreign object, and then once she figured out what it was, she hurried off to put it in her room where it belonged. 

“What is this, what is this? Huh? This is the lip stuff, yeah? The lip, the Mar-the Mary-the Mary Kay stuff too for the lips? Yeah? Oh good, oh good I needed this too, that’s really good,” she said when opening my sister’s gift of the Mary Kay Satin Lips set, which she’d been nagging me for for the past two weeks. Then she stood up and hurried away to her room to put it in the little basket on her counter, beside her empty tubes of lip cream.

Each time she took her presents to their new homes, it was hard to draw her back to the living room to open some more. I was so excited to give her my gift. I got the idea during mom’s hospital stay in the summer. Her room was cold and the blankets were thin; mom was freezing the whole time. I wished that she had a nice blanket she could bring along, and so my idea for her Christmas gift was formed. That month following her hospital stay, my sister-in-law and I took all of the grandkids for a photo shoot. I selected some beautiful fabric and immediately got to work. This gift would be one-of-a-kind and I had hoped mom would love and appreciate it.

  By the time it was my turn to give mom my gift, she was antsy and did not want to sit down. I was able to get her next to the couch where she stood and opened my box. She held the blanket in her hand and said,

“What is this?”

I told her it was a blanket.

“A blanket, I’m confused, what’s a blanket?”

I explained to her the purpose of a blanket and pointed to the pictures of the grandchildren as she still tried to piece together the clues of what her gift was.

“Oh a blanket,” she interrupted, “the thing you put on your bed to keep warm? Is that what it is, it goes on my bed?” she asked.

“Yes mom, that’s right,” I said, holding her back for just a minute longer to show her again the pictures of the kids. She was ready to put the blanket in it’s place.

  “See here, mom? These are the kids, this is Raelynn right here and her name is right next to it. And here is Ryder,” I explained, as I pointed to both the names I had embroidered as well as the pictures of each grandchild.

The lightbulb finally went on.

“Oh the kids, all the kids are on here too, all of the kids are here?” she asked, glancing momentarily at the pictures.

“Yes, all the grandkids,” I replied, smiling that she had made the connection.

“Ok, I’m gonna go now,” she said, motioning towards the hallway with her blanket.

Mom took the blanket back to her bedroom and tossed it onto her bed. My sister found her back there, sitting on her bed, next to her blanket, waiting to take her medicine (which, by the way, wasn’t scheduled to be taken for another hour).

That was the extent of our celebrating with mom. On Christmas morning, we have a traditional breakfast which dates back to when my mom was a kid; her mom created this tradition. Mom refused to come out of her room to join us. She did come over to my house later in the day for Christmas dinner with my dad’s side of the family. She brought herself a sandwich for dinner and sat at the computer. When my Aunts gave her gifts, she told them that she didn’t know what those things were and that she didn’t need them. My Aunts, understanding mom’s condition, just chuckled and gave her hugs.

Though the memories we are able to create with mom are becoming less and less, I embrace the time and the memories we do have with mom. Though it’s not the ideal situation, I do think that someday we will look back on this Christmas Eve with fondness in our hearts.

Oh Christmas Tree

In my last post, I voiced my concerns about whether or not mom would remember Christmas. So far this year, she has forgotten every single holiday; though she does remember most everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries. Last year, she was very selective about what she did remember about Christmas and she didn’t participate in many of the festivities. So it goes without saying that we’ve been apprehensive to see what this Christmas season brings.

A couple weeks ago, the weekend after Thanksgiving to be exact, my siblings and I went over to mom and dad’s house to put up their Christmas tree. Mom was in her usual place: at her computer. We weren’t sure what kind of fuss she might make when she saw a tree in her living room. Would she know why it was there?

By the time we had all finished decorating the tree, mom strolled through the living room on her way to the kitchen. She didn’t notice the tree at all. I drew her attention to it and asked her if she remembered why we put up a Christmas tree.

“Oh yeah, there were those things too that had the pictures of the kids on it too, the grandkids too and also you kids too when you were kids and I always liked to put those on so good, too,” she responded.

She was referring to the many ornaments that have been made over the years bearing our pictures on them. Mom remembered!!

Over the past week and a half, we’ve talked about Christmas with her, as a reminder and preparation of the upcoming holiday. She has told my dad that she needs to go to Bath & Body Works (where else??) to get my sister’s present. When I was over on Monday, I was talking to her about Christmas, asking her if she remembered, and she commented,

“It’s on the 25th too.”

She was also a little annoyed that all of her holiday decorations did not make it out this year; particularly her nativity set.

“I told your dad to get that thing down too, it’s way up high, that thing with the thing and Je-Jesus too…”

I don’t know if she will remember all of the family traditions…the Christmas breakfast that her mom started with her as a child, the Christmas goodies. I don’t know she’ll venture out Christmas shopping this year with me or if she’ll even understand the concept of presents. But she remembers the most important part about Christmas-that it’s all about Jesus!

I go into this holiday knowing that it is very likely the very last Christmas that mom is aware of. It can be depressing to think about, and there’s still so much she’s unaware of; I miss her especially at this time of year. But after my “Blue Christmas” last year, I’m determined to make the best of the situation, enjoy the moments we have and make her last Christmas memorable for all of us.

Blue Christmas

Christmas is finally over.

Ordinarily, I love every single moment of the Christmas season. It is my favorite season of the entire year and I anticipate it for months in advance. I relish in choosing the perfect gifts for each person, in going to the Christmas parties and hearing the joyful sounds of Christmas carols.

This year, I was just wasn't feeling that Christmas spirit. We had some nice moments and carried on our family traditions of building Gingerbread houses and Christmas cookies, visiting Santa, going downtown to see the lights, reading scriptures on the birth of Jesus. We did Christmas crafts and attended Christmas concerts (band and choir) for our girls. I did my usual Christmas baking and delivered goodies to close friends. We went to a Christmas party at church with my dad and I even threw the kids a party/gift exchange with their friends. I picked out the best gifts for the people I love, things that came from the heart that I knew they would love. But as hard as I tried, I couldn't shake off the feeling of emptiness and sadness that hung over my head, like a dark cloud. Something was missing.

That something, is my mom. I miss my mom. In years past, we spent our baking days together, listening to Christmas music while we worked. We always went shopping together, whether it was to shop for the kids or shop for my dad or to pick out presents for other people on our list. Mom loved it when we came to her ward's Christmas party at church. It's always been important to my parents to have all the grandkids together for those kinds of parties and keep our family traditions intact.

The season started out a little bit better than expected. Mom made a Christmas card list, filled out all of her Christmas cards, complete with a message about Jesus, and sent them all out on her own. That was encouraging to me! We went over to their house to help them decorate the tree, and she remembered how to do that (even though it was not decorated up to her pre-dementia perfectionist standards). I felt a little bit of hope that maybe she would still remember and engage in our Christmas traditions of the past.

As the season wore on, mom seemed disconnected from all the festivities surrounding her. She did not go the Christmas parties at church. She couldn't remember what any of our Christmas goodies were, let alone help bake them. She didn't know who Santa was. She seemed confused on what many of the festivities were about. Aside from the shopping trip to Kmart for my dad, she didn't engage or even attempt to engage in any Christmas shopping. My siblings and I coordinated all of the Christmas meals without any interest or input from my mom (she was just happy that I had assigned her to bring the broccoli-cauliflower salad for Christmas Eve).

On Christmas morning, we did what we do every year: we opened our presents at home with our kids and then went over to mom and dad's for our traditional Christmas breakfast. Christmas is not Christmas without this breakfast. We wait all year to have this yummy goodness. We have had this breakfast every single year of my life. Mom's mom came up with this recipe and started making it for her kids when mom was little. So by all means, mom should have remembered Christmas breakfast. As I was began making breakfast, mom walked into the kitchen. I asked mom if she'd be having Christmas breakfast with us, knowing deep down that she wouldn't have any. She looked at it strangely and said,

"No I didn't know about that."

"Mom, this is the Christmas breakfast that your mom created. We've eaten it every year, you always loved it! Christmas isn't Christmas without it!"

"No I didn't remember about that. I already drank my Slim Fast," she said, as she walked out of the kitchen.

It was the expected response, but still disheartening to say the least. If she's forgotten the traditions of the holiday that we've held so near and dear all these years, who is to say she will even remember the holiday itself next year?

In the past, mom always got giddy at present time. She absolutely loved to pass out presents to her grandkids and delighted in their reactions to what she had picked out for them. This time, mom sat on the couch, staring straight ahead with a blank look on her face. She showed no reaction and no emotion as we each took our turns opening presents. At one point, my niece went up to her to give her a hug and say thank you for the present. Mom had very little response; she didn't hug her back and seemed confused as to why she was hugging her and what she was saying to her.

The only time she showed any emotion to any present opened was when dad opened the laundry detergent that he had given her. Dad knew that mom had picked out something bizarre for him; he had been anticipating what it was for days. We all huddled around him as he opened the present and directed mom's attention to dad. As dad opened his present, to find Gain laundry detergent, he had sheer amusement on his face. We were all chuckling and finding the humor in the situation. Dad looked at mom and said,

"Thanks dear. I need this."

Mom sat slightly forward in her seat on the couch and, waving her finger towards the laundry soap, told him very seriously,

"Yeah, that's why I got you that, yeah. I know you like that."

"Perfect. Absolutely perfect," dad said, trying to contain the chuckles.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has always filled out his gift tags to mom using pet names. In fact, they both did it. They would write things such as: "To Mrs. Claus, from Mr. Claus" or "To Dee, From Guess Who" or "To Toots, From Sancho" (don't know if I spelled Toots right). I always thought it was cute that they "spiced" it up and made it fun. This year, mom was confused with the tags on the gifts dad gave.

"Huh? What do you mean, Guess Who? What? Who is this for? Why does it say this, Guess Who?" or "Toots, what? I don't know what this means."

When she opened her gifts, she wasn't overly excited and she was sometimes a bit confused at what she was receiving. I had to explain to her several times that the skirts she opened from me were made by me, as she's been hounding me for months about making her skirts,

"I don't know why you won't ever make me any skirts, you're so talented. I wish you would make me some skirts."

She seemed to like the skirts, though she wasn't overly enthusiastic as she has been in years past.

By the time the rest of the extended family showed up (near 1:00), mom was ready for a nap. She was concerned about people coming over during naptime, but dad kept reiterating that it was Christmas and that people would be over to celebrate. That's what we do for holidays. She went back to her room alone, making no exception for the holiday.

I don't know what the future holds; will we be able to have large gatherings next year? Only time will tell. Based on her detachment and disinterest this year, my guess is that by next year, the holidays will be meaningless to her. I look ahead to next Christmas with dread. I don't know how we will make it through. As sad and disheartening as it was for our family this year, I know the road ahead will only get rougher. I suppose my goal for the New Year is to figure out how to cope and manage the despair that comes with losing a loved one.

Christmas Shopping With Dementia

***SPOILER ALERT: TO MY DAD-YOU MAY WANT TO READ THIS AFTER CHRISTMAS, AS IT MAY SPOIL YOUR CHRISTMAS SURPRISES!***

My kids always get so excited at Christmas time. It goes without saying that they love to get presents. But they also love to GIVE presents. It is so hard for them to contain their excitement and patiently wait for us to open up whatever Christmas surprise they come up with for us. And we never know what we will get. One year, my daughter made me a necklace of mismatched beads on a strand of yarn. Every single day for 2 entire weeks before Christmas, she begged me to open it. She just knew it was a gift I would love! I wore it with pride. Many times, the kids will find treasures from their room that they will wrap up and give to us as gifts (I have a few of those under my tree right now!) I love their sweet innocence and the pride they have when they give us these gifts from the heart.

Last year, I went shopping with my mom to help her pick out Christmas gifts for all of the grandkids. She has always been great at picking out gifts on her own, but for obvious reasons she needed a little extra help. This year, she hasn't said much about gifts at all with the exception of once or twice when she told me "I need you to tell me what your children might like for Christmas." I knew it would be difficult for her to understand and pick out gifts on her own, even if I made a list and even if I was there with her. So last week, I took my dad (instead) shopping for Christmas presents for all of the grandkids and other family members.

As I wrapped and placed all of the presents under their tree, I realized that one person did not have any gifts under the tree: my dad. All of us kids got presents for dad, but for the first time I can remember, mom hadn't picked anything out for him.

Not that dad would care; he has always been the kind to think of others and never himself. Whenever we ask what he wants for Christmas, his reply is always the same,

"I don't need anything. Save it for the kids; it's about them."

Yesterday, when I was over at my mom's for the day, I asked her what she had gotten for dad for Christmas. She said that she had gone out shopping with my Aunt Claudia and got him something...I hate to write what it is, in case my dad did not follow directions and is reading this blog! But suffice it to say that it is something she buys frequently, which he would wear, so it is somewhat "routine" for her. I suggested we go out after lunch to Kmart (we didn't have much time between lunchtime and naptime to go anywhere father than Kmart, which is up the street) to pick out a few more things for dad. Surprisingly, she agreed.

I felt good; I was happy that I was able to convince her to get out and help her shop for dad! I didn't know how this would go, but I figured I would be able to find some things that I knew dad would like and be able to influence her on what to get.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

As we walked in the store, mom decided we should walk through every aisle and see what was there that he might like. We started at the beginning; although mom decided we could skip the card aisle because she didn't need to get him one of those. In the middle of the walkways were displays of colognes and body gels. I asked her if she thought he might like some cologne. It took me a couple of times of asking her before it registered to her that I was talking.

"Huh? Colo-what? I don't know what that is. I don't know what you're saying about that."

I explained to her that it was the stuff you put on your body to make it smell good. She buys her body fragrances at Bath & Body Works...would she like to get dad some fragrances for himself? I pointed out sets of aftershave, gel and cologne. She seemed to look through what I was pointing at and instead of answering or acknowledging me, continued her search on the shelf for something more familiar to her that he would like.

We made our way to the candy section, where there were several displays of holiday treats. Mom kept talking about "that one kind of candy thing" that dad always liked. I asked her to tell me what it looked like, what is tasted like as I tried to figure out what she was talking about, but to no avail. She knew there was something that dad liked, but she couldn't quite figure out what that was. I picked up a box of Good 'n Plenty candies along with a box of Jujifruits. Those of 2 of dad's favorites; surely mom would recognize those! As I held them in front of her, she squinted her eyes and shook her head as she stuttered,

"No, no I'm not getting him that. I don't know what that is...I don't know that he would like that...I've never known that he likes that...that's not familiar to me..."

Despite my attempts to assure her that these were dad's favorites and that they would be perfect for his stocking, mom could not be convinced. I let out a sigh as I tossed the boxes of candies in my cart; if I had to buy them myself, dad would have them for his stocking.

As we continued aisle after aisle of candy and food, we ran into the sausage displays. This was sure to spark her memory! I remember every year, growing up, mom would buy dad some sausage for his stocking. She remembers the past so well...I was sure she'd know to buy him the sausage. Mom did not recognize what I was showing her.

"Mom, you used to buy this every year for dad...he loves it! He would love it if you got it for him. You could wrap it and put it under the tree," I said, over and over.

It was as if I wasn't even talking. She plugged along down the next aisle, me following behind, waving the sausage at her, when she suddenly stopped in front of the display of Goldfish crackers.

"He really likes these fishy things too, he eats them with all the kids too. He would like this," she said, as she tried to make a choice between regular flavor, or extra cheddar. I couldn't help but to chuckle.

"You want to get him goldfish crackers for Christmas?" I asked with amusement.

"Yeah he would really like it, he really likes them," she said, as she tossed them into the cart.

"What else do you want to get for him, mom?" I asked, as she led me through the next aisle. We were heading towards the household cleaning products; surely there was nothing up for gift considerations and we could pass through those aisles. I tried to redirect her down another path and turned to make my way towards the right section of the store.

But mom is fast. I turned around and she was gone. I knew she couldn't have gone far. I called her name, in vain, because she didn't answer me. I found her in the laundry detergent aisle, seemingly intent on something.

"They don't have that kind-the kind for the special kind that I have to buy...with those letters on it."

I knew what she meant. I led her to the other side of the aisle where the Gain 'he' (high efficiency) detergent sat on the shelves. She became excited and declared,

"Oh yes, oh good, they have it. Your dad really likes this one so much 'cuz it washes his work clothes so good too."

I wrinkled my eyebrows and looked at her as I tried to make sense of what she was saying.

"Mom, you don't mean that you are getting that for dad for Christmas, do you?"

"Huh?"

I rephrased the question,

"Mom, is that what you want to get dad for a Christmas present?"

"Yes I am, this is what he likes. I know he'll really like this too 'cuz it washes his clothes so good."

I tried to reason with her and suggest that you don't buy your husband a bottle of laundry detergent for Christmas. But mom would hear no reason. She was adamant that dad would love to receive laundry detergent for Christmas.

As she put the detergent in the cart, and we walked around the store a little more, I found a couple other things (in addition to his favorite candies) that I put into the cart, with several attempts at explaining why she should get these particular items for dad (mostly because it was something that I knew he would like). The answers were always the same,

"No, I'm not gonna get that, no. I don't know what that is...I'm confused at what that is...I don't know that he would like that."

She tried explaining to me something else that she wanted to add to his gifts.

"Those things you use, you put in the thing at the computer that you...with your hand," she explained, wiggling her hands in the air, "that you use with computer things too to make it work...you put it in things to make it work, your dad always needs those things too..."

Somehow I figured out that she was describing batteries. She wanted to get dad batteries. We walked around the store, looking for a section with batteries and before I could catch up with her, she ran ahead to the man behind the cash register in electronics (who was helping another lady check out) and tried to explain the things she was looking for. He looked very confused, as did the lady checking out, and as I approached my mom, I gently put my arm around her and explained to the cashier that she was looking for batteries. He looked at her and in some detail told her exactly where to go to find batteries. Mom hastily interrupted him and said,

"What? Register 10, what? I'm confused at what you're talking about, my brain is so stupid. Because of that surgery which left my brain stupid, I don't know what you're saying."

It always chokes me up to hear her call herself stupid and watch her struggle to realize that she cannot comprehend what others are telling her. I patted her back and told her it was okay, I knew where the batteries were. I led her to the front of the store, to Register 10, where we picked out a pack of batteries and took our place in line.

As we checked out with the cashier at the end of a very long hour, I was able to sneak the candy and another little item in with her selected gifts, with the intention of her using them for stocking stuffers. I was fully prepared to buy them myself if she threw a fit, but after much fuss she finally agreed on adding those 3 small things, with the condition that,

"Well then I'm gonna tell him when he opens it that you told me to get it, 'cuz I don't know that he likes that stuff."

I just laughed and said, "Okay mom, you can blame it all on me."

We drove home at 1:12 (which, she made sure to remind me, was way past her naptime) and went into the house where she immediately dumped the batteries, goldfishies, candy, and the other small item, into a gift bag which was behind the tree. (It also had the other gift she bought him the other day). She threw the plastic bag on top of the items, folded the top of the bag over in half, and stuffed it behind the Christmas tree. I reminded her that the candy was for his stocking, to which she replied,

"What? Stocking, what? I don't know what you're saying, stocking."

I let it go. It wasn't important anyway. What was important was that she had found him a gift. Maybe it's a bottle of laundry detergent and a pack of batteries. But they were gifts that she picked out, that she felt he would love. I'm not sure how he will react when he opens up his gifts. He might laugh. He might cry. He might do both. I know I certainly felt both reactions. But I also marvel at the childlike innocence that my mom possesses. It was a humbling reminder to me that Christmas is not about the fancy gifts or the shiny red bows. Christmas is about giving from the heart. My mom with dementia helped me to remember that this Christmas season.