Oh Christmas Tree

In my last post, I voiced my concerns about whether or not mom would remember Christmas. So far this year, she has forgotten every single holiday; though she does remember most everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries. Last year, she was very selective about what she did remember about Christmas and she didn’t participate in many of the festivities. So it goes without saying that we’ve been apprehensive to see what this Christmas season brings.

A couple weeks ago, the weekend after Thanksgiving to be exact, my siblings and I went over to mom and dad’s house to put up their Christmas tree. Mom was in her usual place: at her computer. We weren’t sure what kind of fuss she might make when she saw a tree in her living room. Would she know why it was there?

By the time we had all finished decorating the tree, mom strolled through the living room on her way to the kitchen. She didn’t notice the tree at all. I drew her attention to it and asked her if she remembered why we put up a Christmas tree.

“Oh yeah, there were those things too that had the pictures of the kids on it too, the grandkids too and also you kids too when you were kids and I always liked to put those on so good, too,” she responded.

She was referring to the many ornaments that have been made over the years bearing our pictures on them. Mom remembered!!

Over the past week and a half, we’ve talked about Christmas with her, as a reminder and preparation of the upcoming holiday. She has told my dad that she needs to go to Bath & Body Works (where else??) to get my sister’s present. When I was over on Monday, I was talking to her about Christmas, asking her if she remembered, and she commented,

“It’s on the 25th too.”

She was also a little annoyed that all of her holiday decorations did not make it out this year; particularly her nativity set.

“I told your dad to get that thing down too, it’s way up high, that thing with the thing and Je-Jesus too…”

I don’t know if she will remember all of the family traditions…the Christmas breakfast that her mom started with her as a child, the Christmas goodies. I don’t know she’ll venture out Christmas shopping this year with me or if she’ll even understand the concept of presents. But she remembers the most important part about Christmas-that it’s all about Jesus!

I go into this holiday knowing that it is very likely the very last Christmas that mom is aware of. It can be depressing to think about, and there’s still so much she’s unaware of; I miss her especially at this time of year. But after my “Blue Christmas” last year, I’m determined to make the best of the situation, enjoy the moments we have and make her last Christmas memorable for all of us.

Thanksgiving

The holidays are always tough when you’ve lost/are losing someone you love. Last year, my mom was very disconnected from all of the holidays festivities. BUT…at least she knew what they were. She had at least some faint memory of Thanksgiving. This year, mom had absolutely no idea what Thanksgiving was.

I tried several times prior to Thanksgiving to prompt her and spark some kind of memory about the upcoming holiday. I talked about it, explained the food, even showed her the date on her calendar. When I showed up to her house on Monday with all of the kids (who were out on Thanksgiving break), mom was confused as to why they were out of school. I tried to tell her that it was because of the holiday that week, to which she responded,

“Holiday, what? What do you mean by holiday, what are you talking about holiday. I don’t know what you’re saying.”

I suppose deep down I knew that it wasn’t going to click. I suppose I just wasn’t ready to accept it. I held hope that once all the family arrived and once she saw all of the foods that it might click. I spent the early afternoon at my in-law’s house before heading over to my parent’s house around 5:00 Thanksgiving evening. Mom, of course, was in the office, playing her computer game. I asked my family if it had finally “clicked” that it was Thanksgiving; as suspected, mom was oblivious. In fact, she couldn’t quite figure out why everybody was over in her house, though she said it was “real good” that some relatives were around often to visit. She didn’t recognize my Aunt, who she sees a couple of times a month. She was confused about who my sister was (her darker hair, recently dyed, has mom a bit confused).

I went to say hi to mom in the computer room. I sat down beside her and she asked why I was there.

“It’s a holiday today mom. It’s Thanksgiving. It’s that holiday right before Christmas when you eat all the good foods…remember?”

“Hmm? Holiday what? I’m confused what you’re saying, holiday. My stupid brain, I don’t know what you all keep saying holiday. My brain is so stupid.”

Try as I might, I could not bring her back and help her to remember Thanksgiving. The concept is gone. Thanksgiving with mom is gone.

Last year, the holidays were hard. I felt really blue. It was the first holiday season that I really didn’t have my mom there to help me with the food, the planning, etc. It was the first holiday season that we faced knowing mom had dementia. But at least she knew what the holidays were.

Seasons change. Another year has come and gone and dementia has taken more away from us. While we celebrate what we are thankful for, I am thankful to still have my mom. But I sure do miss my mom and the way life once was.

I wonder now…will she remember Christmas?

Christmas Shopping With Dementia

***SPOILER ALERT: TO MY DAD-YOU MAY WANT TO READ THIS AFTER CHRISTMAS, AS IT MAY SPOIL YOUR CHRISTMAS SURPRISES!***

My kids always get so excited at Christmas time. It goes without saying that they love to get presents. But they also love to GIVE presents. It is so hard for them to contain their excitement and patiently wait for us to open up whatever Christmas surprise they come up with for us. And we never know what we will get. One year, my daughter made me a necklace of mismatched beads on a strand of yarn. Every single day for 2 entire weeks before Christmas, she begged me to open it. She just knew it was a gift I would love! I wore it with pride. Many times, the kids will find treasures from their room that they will wrap up and give to us as gifts (I have a few of those under my tree right now!) I love their sweet innocence and the pride they have when they give us these gifts from the heart.

Last year, I went shopping with my mom to help her pick out Christmas gifts for all of the grandkids. She has always been great at picking out gifts on her own, but for obvious reasons she needed a little extra help. This year, she hasn't said much about gifts at all with the exception of once or twice when she told me "I need you to tell me what your children might like for Christmas." I knew it would be difficult for her to understand and pick out gifts on her own, even if I made a list and even if I was there with her. So last week, I took my dad (instead) shopping for Christmas presents for all of the grandkids and other family members.

As I wrapped and placed all of the presents under their tree, I realized that one person did not have any gifts under the tree: my dad. All of us kids got presents for dad, but for the first time I can remember, mom hadn't picked anything out for him.

Not that dad would care; he has always been the kind to think of others and never himself. Whenever we ask what he wants for Christmas, his reply is always the same,

"I don't need anything. Save it for the kids; it's about them."

Yesterday, when I was over at my mom's for the day, I asked her what she had gotten for dad for Christmas. She said that she had gone out shopping with my Aunt Claudia and got him something...I hate to write what it is, in case my dad did not follow directions and is reading this blog! But suffice it to say that it is something she buys frequently, which he would wear, so it is somewhat "routine" for her. I suggested we go out after lunch to Kmart (we didn't have much time between lunchtime and naptime to go anywhere father than Kmart, which is up the street) to pick out a few more things for dad. Surprisingly, she agreed.

I felt good; I was happy that I was able to convince her to get out and help her shop for dad! I didn't know how this would go, but I figured I would be able to find some things that I knew dad would like and be able to influence her on what to get.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

As we walked in the store, mom decided we should walk through every aisle and see what was there that he might like. We started at the beginning; although mom decided we could skip the card aisle because she didn't need to get him one of those. In the middle of the walkways were displays of colognes and body gels. I asked her if she thought he might like some cologne. It took me a couple of times of asking her before it registered to her that I was talking.

"Huh? Colo-what? I don't know what that is. I don't know what you're saying about that."

I explained to her that it was the stuff you put on your body to make it smell good. She buys her body fragrances at Bath & Body Works...would she like to get dad some fragrances for himself? I pointed out sets of aftershave, gel and cologne. She seemed to look through what I was pointing at and instead of answering or acknowledging me, continued her search on the shelf for something more familiar to her that he would like.

We made our way to the candy section, where there were several displays of holiday treats. Mom kept talking about "that one kind of candy thing" that dad always liked. I asked her to tell me what it looked like, what is tasted like as I tried to figure out what she was talking about, but to no avail. She knew there was something that dad liked, but she couldn't quite figure out what that was. I picked up a box of Good 'n Plenty candies along with a box of Jujifruits. Those of 2 of dad's favorites; surely mom would recognize those! As I held them in front of her, she squinted her eyes and shook her head as she stuttered,

"No, no I'm not getting him that. I don't know what that is...I don't know that he would like that...I've never known that he likes that...that's not familiar to me..."

Despite my attempts to assure her that these were dad's favorites and that they would be perfect for his stocking, mom could not be convinced. I let out a sigh as I tossed the boxes of candies in my cart; if I had to buy them myself, dad would have them for his stocking.

As we continued aisle after aisle of candy and food, we ran into the sausage displays. This was sure to spark her memory! I remember every year, growing up, mom would buy dad some sausage for his stocking. She remembers the past so well...I was sure she'd know to buy him the sausage. Mom did not recognize what I was showing her.

"Mom, you used to buy this every year for dad...he loves it! He would love it if you got it for him. You could wrap it and put it under the tree," I said, over and over.

It was as if I wasn't even talking. She plugged along down the next aisle, me following behind, waving the sausage at her, when she suddenly stopped in front of the display of Goldfish crackers.

"He really likes these fishy things too, he eats them with all the kids too. He would like this," she said, as she tried to make a choice between regular flavor, or extra cheddar. I couldn't help but to chuckle.

"You want to get him goldfish crackers for Christmas?" I asked with amusement.

"Yeah he would really like it, he really likes them," she said, as she tossed them into the cart.

"What else do you want to get for him, mom?" I asked, as she led me through the next aisle. We were heading towards the household cleaning products; surely there was nothing up for gift considerations and we could pass through those aisles. I tried to redirect her down another path and turned to make my way towards the right section of the store.

But mom is fast. I turned around and she was gone. I knew she couldn't have gone far. I called her name, in vain, because she didn't answer me. I found her in the laundry detergent aisle, seemingly intent on something.

"They don't have that kind-the kind for the special kind that I have to buy...with those letters on it."

I knew what she meant. I led her to the other side of the aisle where the Gain 'he' (high efficiency) detergent sat on the shelves. She became excited and declared,

"Oh yes, oh good, they have it. Your dad really likes this one so much 'cuz it washes his work clothes so good too."

I wrinkled my eyebrows and looked at her as I tried to make sense of what she was saying.

"Mom, you don't mean that you are getting that for dad for Christmas, do you?"

"Huh?"

I rephrased the question,

"Mom, is that what you want to get dad for a Christmas present?"

"Yes I am, this is what he likes. I know he'll really like this too 'cuz it washes his clothes so good."

I tried to reason with her and suggest that you don't buy your husband a bottle of laundry detergent for Christmas. But mom would hear no reason. She was adamant that dad would love to receive laundry detergent for Christmas.

As she put the detergent in the cart, and we walked around the store a little more, I found a couple other things (in addition to his favorite candies) that I put into the cart, with several attempts at explaining why she should get these particular items for dad (mostly because it was something that I knew he would like). The answers were always the same,

"No, I'm not gonna get that, no. I don't know what that is...I'm confused at what that is...I don't know that he would like that."

She tried explaining to me something else that she wanted to add to his gifts.

"Those things you use, you put in the thing at the computer that you...with your hand," she explained, wiggling her hands in the air, "that you use with computer things too to make it work...you put it in things to make it work, your dad always needs those things too..."

Somehow I figured out that she was describing batteries. She wanted to get dad batteries. We walked around the store, looking for a section with batteries and before I could catch up with her, she ran ahead to the man behind the cash register in electronics (who was helping another lady check out) and tried to explain the things she was looking for. He looked very confused, as did the lady checking out, and as I approached my mom, I gently put my arm around her and explained to the cashier that she was looking for batteries. He looked at her and in some detail told her exactly where to go to find batteries. Mom hastily interrupted him and said,

"What? Register 10, what? I'm confused at what you're talking about, my brain is so stupid. Because of that surgery which left my brain stupid, I don't know what you're saying."

It always chokes me up to hear her call herself stupid and watch her struggle to realize that she cannot comprehend what others are telling her. I patted her back and told her it was okay, I knew where the batteries were. I led her to the front of the store, to Register 10, where we picked out a pack of batteries and took our place in line.

As we checked out with the cashier at the end of a very long hour, I was able to sneak the candy and another little item in with her selected gifts, with the intention of her using them for stocking stuffers. I was fully prepared to buy them myself if she threw a fit, but after much fuss she finally agreed on adding those 3 small things, with the condition that,

"Well then I'm gonna tell him when he opens it that you told me to get it, 'cuz I don't know that he likes that stuff."

I just laughed and said, "Okay mom, you can blame it all on me."

We drove home at 1:12 (which, she made sure to remind me, was way past her naptime) and went into the house where she immediately dumped the batteries, goldfishies, candy, and the other small item, into a gift bag which was behind the tree. (It also had the other gift she bought him the other day). She threw the plastic bag on top of the items, folded the top of the bag over in half, and stuffed it behind the Christmas tree. I reminded her that the candy was for his stocking, to which she replied,

"What? Stocking, what? I don't know what you're saying, stocking."

I let it go. It wasn't important anyway. What was important was that she had found him a gift. Maybe it's a bottle of laundry detergent and a pack of batteries. But they were gifts that she picked out, that she felt he would love. I'm not sure how he will react when he opens up his gifts. He might laugh. He might cry. He might do both. I know I certainly felt both reactions. But I also marvel at the childlike innocence that my mom possesses. It was a humbling reminder to me that Christmas is not about the fancy gifts or the shiny red bows. Christmas is about giving from the heart. My mom with dementia helped me to remember that this Christmas season.

Thanksgiving

Holidays have always been a big production in our family. Both my dad and my mom grew up in large families, with 4 and 5 siblings each. Our holidays were an entire family affair: aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents...

And the food? The food was never anything less than amazing! I've said it before-my grandma was a magnificent cook, winning many awards for her recipes and cooking skills. She passed those skills onto her children, including my mom. When we got together for holidays, particularly Thanksgiving, it was a heavenly feast. My mom ruled the kitchen and every holiday feast was magnificent.

Since I've gotten married, we alternate years on where we spend Thanksgiving between my family and my husband's family. This year was our year to spend with my family. As I reflected about the upcoming holiday and particularly the changes this year with my mom, I realized just how long it's been since I've had a "normal" Thanksgiving with her. Last year, we were with my in-laws. The year before that, it was Thanksgiving at my house with my parents and my dad's side of the family. And even then, mom was already "changing". She made a couple of pies that year, but somehow she couldn't get them quite right and they weren't as tasty as they used to be. The year before that: in-laws. Year before that, my brother got married over Thanksgiving break in Florida and my parents flew out and spent the holiday with him. It's probably been a good 6 years since we've had a Thanksgiving with my family with my mom in her normal form.

Thanksgiving this year was bittersweet. Sweet because my brother and his family were coming in to celebrate with us, but bitter because of the changes with my mom. In the weeks prior to Thanksgiving, I had many anxieties and concerns regarding my mom. Would she remember what Thanksgiving is? Would she engage with the family, or would she throw a fit to stay at home? Would she be able to at least help in preparing any of the food?

Last year, my sister and dad reported that my mom was not interested in preparing food for Thanksgiving. In fact, my dad had made a joke that they were going to a restaurant instead of the usual feast (blasphemy in our family!) and as my dad pulled out the turkey to prep, mom said, "I thought we were going to a restaurant." Once she figured out that my dad and sister were making the usual Thanksgiving feast, mom was in the kitchen, peeking over their shoulders and telling them what they were doing wrong.

"My mom always taught me to do it this way," she said, over and over as my dad prepared the turkey, the potatoes, the vegetables, and instructing them on how to prepare the food properly.

I wondered if this would be the case again this year. As annoying as it was to have her hovering and correcting, at least she was aware and familiar with our traditional holiday foods.

Mom has not made any mention of the holidays this year. Even as we coordinated food assignments, I knew mom would not be involved. A few days before Thanksgiving, I asked her if she knew what holiday was coming up. After several promptings, she figured out that it was "that one holiday thing where you eat that certain food" (I can't remembered if she named it turkey or insinuated). At least she was associating the holiday with the feast!

Now to Thanksgiving day: my dad came over in the morning to get his turkey going on the BBQ, while I got my turkey prepped for the oven. He came back a little before 1:00, with my mom. Immediately, my mom marched upstairs to my room, purse still on her shoulder, because 1:00 is her naptime. She laid down on my bed, complaining that it was too light in my room, the kids were too noisy, my bed isn't as comfortable and she wishes my dad would have let her stay home to take her nap. I left her alone to her nap. By 2:30, she was downstairs to take her medicine, again complaining about how she didn't rest well due to the noise and light. She sat in the living room for a few minutes, having a one-sided conversation with my great-grandma. Once she was finished telling grandma about her ailments, she came to my computer, where she sat, playing games, the remainder of the afternoon while the rest of us prepared the food for our feast.

When it was time to eat, my mom took one look at the table and immediately began complaining,

"Where's the salad? Why isn't there salad? I don't like any of this stuff, I want my salad, darn it."

We explained to her that it was Thanksgiving and that these were the foods that she has always liked; her family's recipes. She insisted that she did not like those foods and that it would make her tummy sick to eat it. We tried to coax her to eat just a little turkey or just a little of this or that. She ended up with a tiny dessert plate with a scoop of mashed potatoes (which she only ate half of), a buttered roll (she only ate half) and a few vegetables from a veggie platter that she drowned in ranch dressing. Try as we might, we could not get her to eat any more than that.

She went back to her computer games until she grew tired and wanted to go home. I think we were able to get her to stay until around 7:00; when my Aunt was the first to leave, my mom literally chased her down (as my Aunt was taking her dishes to the car) to ask her to give her a ride home. By that time, my dad gave in to her wishes and took her home while he drove my great-grandma back to her home as well.

I had been looking forward very much to Thanksgiving this year. I love having my brother here and love getting together with the family. I had a good time visiting with everyone; yet I found myself, at the end of the day, feeling rather melancholy. I think part of that was exhaustion; I had spent nearly 2 entire days in the kitchen preparing all of the food-the homemade rolls, the turkey, the potatoes and vegetables, the pies. Not to mention all of the prep work and cleaning up that comes with cooking and hosting Thanksgiving. A big part of it was the empty feeling at the loss of having my mom there to participate in the cooking and festivities. Though I've hosted many holidays before, I've never NOT had my mom there in some way (if not physically then she was at least a phone call away). When it was time to make the gravy, for instance, we had to call my mom's sister to ask exactly how mom used to make it. Gravy was mom's specialty; no matter where were at for the holidays, mom was the master in the kitchen making the gravy. Now she doesn't even know what gravy is. Why didn't I think to learn from her when I had the chance?

Our family holiday dynamics are changing. They are changing rapidly. Judging by the progression from last year to this year, I daresay this could be the last holiday season that she is even remotely aware of what the holidays are. I am trying my best to make the best of it, to enjoy the little moments. But, as it seemed for Thanksgiving, those moments may already be gone.