Remembering Deana Part VII

Today's entry was written by my mom's niece, Carolyn. She is the daughter of mom's oldest brother. We couldn't find a picture of her and mom together, but I found one that mom took of Carolyn and me (mom was always the one TAKING the pictures). I'm a visual person; I think pictures make a blog more fun. So here it is. Thank you, Carolyn.

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I grew up mostly as the shadow of my sister Patty. I followed her around and was happy to do what she told me to do (only when we were very little, not so much as I got older!). Because of this, I loved to follow her to summers at Grandma’s or Tia Deana’s house. Like her, I have fond memories of summers at Tia Deana’s. I was younger, so the silly things I remember about staying at her house was that we got to eat really great meals that were different than what my mom cooked (change is good sometimes!) and because she had the best VHS tape collection ever!!! In addition to the traditional Disney princess favorites, Tia Deana also had other fairy tale movies to show us. Rodger and Hammerstein’s Cinderella was one of them along with others that I remember like Amy Irving in Rumplestiltskin and Richard Chamberlain in another version of Cinderella, and Rebecca DeMornay in Beauty and the Beast. Tia Deana’s movies were the best – she always had a great recommend for us to watch. I remember that she even scandalously showed us Dirty Dancing when I think my parents had expressly forbade it – Tia Deana was renegade in my eyes and so, so COOL!

We spent a lot of time at Tia Deana’s house because of summers, yes, but also because she always hosted family events. Mother’s Days, Father’s Days, Thanksgivings, Christmases…. I have so many memories of holidays at my Tia’s house! Any holiday at Tia’s house meant that first the house would be immaculately clean and second that you could count on her bustling around the kitchen cooking, cleaning, serving, and being the hostess with the mostess. This is why holidays always sucked when the Alves family was in San Jose for a holiday!!! No Tia Deana’s house? No Uncle Bud to tease her and all of us? No Cassandra, Joe, and Chris to play with? Always that put a damper on our holiday fun.

I have a memory that is often vague, so I hope this is accurate…. But I remember that we all went to Knott’s Berry Farm once and I was attempting to be brave about the ride “Montezuma’s Revenge.” But as we inched closer and closer in line, my anxiety about it rose to high levels until finally when it was our turn to ride, I burst into tears. I was too embarrassed to say that I was scared, so I instead said that the Holy Ghost told me I should not get on that ride. I have no doubt that I made that up, but Tia did not mock me or make me feel silly or babyish for not wanting to ride the “scary” ride. Instead she validated my feelings, encouraged me to follow the prompting to not get on the ride, and gave me hug before I moved over and waited for her and the other kids to ride the ride and join me at the exit gate.

I also always remember her spoon collection. Tia would always pick up a commemorative/decorative spoon on any special trip that she took. I always looked forward to seeing a new spoon and hearing her tell me about the trip she took that prompted her to pick up a new spoon for her collection.
Tia Deana could always make me laugh! Sometimes just hearing her laugh would make me laugh. She was a lot like Grandma in that way, that she could find humor everywhere. Visits with my Tia always meant a lot of smiling!

I cannot offer too many specifics; all I can really say is that my childhood, growing years, and now adult years are filled with memories of family gatherings where Tia and her family were always present. My Tia Deana has always found time to talk to me, share stories of growing up with my Dad, stories of Grandma, and stories about my Mom before and after she married my Dad, not to mention compliments galore. I’ve always felt a huge amount of love and admiration from her. To me, she was a terrific mom putting up with my 3 crazy cousins, a loving wife to my crazy uncle, and a devoted daughter to the best Grandma. I have always admired her beautiful red hair, her sense of humor, her carefree spirit, her testimony of the Gospel, and her work ethic.

It’s hard to reconcile the woman she is now with who I know she still is, there in her Spirit. It’s hard to see her sparkling personality diminished. It’s hard to see her unable to converse except for the same few topics over and over again. It’s hard to see her unable to recall details, words, emotions, and memories. It’s hard to see her unable to be cognitive or self-aware. It’s hard to understand why this trial has to be hers, and her husband and children’s’ trial as well. It’s hard. But I know that her Spirit is unchanged, it is just subject to the frailties of her human body at the moment. My Tia may be different now because her brain is no longer healthy, but she is still the beautiful woman who is the author of all the sweet memories shared above. I will celebrate her and honor her always. She is my Tia and I love her!

Remembering Deana Part VI

Today's post was written by my sister-in-law, Natalie, who is married to my twin brother, Joe. Enjoy!

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When Cassandra (my sister in law) talks about her mom and how she used to be I’m sad I never got to be part of those moments. Deana’s behavior started changing right about the time I met her son Joe. Despite this, she was still able to do a lot of things that she isn’t able to do now.

One of my fondest memories of my mother-in-law is when I joined my [then] boyfriend on a vacation to the east coast in 2007. It is where I first got to know her and Bud, my father-in-law. I remember being incredibly apprehensive about meeting them. Hoping to make a good impression, I conversed with Deana at length about myself and how much I cared for her son. She was so kind and open. I fell in love with her immediately. Her kind blue eyes didn’t judge me. I was investigating the Church (I wasn’t yet a member) and I didn’t quite know how she would feel about it. Early one morning I remember making Joe stop at a Starbucks in Connecticut. I NEEDED my mocha latte to start my day. She didn’t say a word about it to me! Now it makes me giggle because I’m sure she was giving Bud an earful about it in the car. During our time there we went to Connecticut to visit Bud’s side of the family. We enjoyed visiting the sea port, going on a drive up to Salem, Massachusetts, some battlegrounds in Lexington and Concord and finally a stop in New York City. Deana was engaged, excited, and happy going. It was a pleasure to travel with her. I loved seeing how lovey dovey she was with Bud. Growing up in a single parent home, I never got to see that type of interaction between a “Mom and Dad” It was refreshing. These two clearly were the cutest love birds.

After this we emailed back and forth on many occasions. She was really great at giving advice. Just before we moved to Arizona I came across several emails that she had written me. Now I don’t even recognize the person who wrote those insightful emails. It saddened me to actually see this great change in writing.

Joe and I got married during thanksgiving in 2009. I got a taste of Deana’s famous Thanksgiving dinner. To say the least it was the most incredible Thanksgiving dinner I had ever eaten. While Joe and Bud visited the everglades in the morning of Thanksgiving Day she single handedly cooked a feast. Turkey and gravy, lyonnaised carrots, mashed potatoes, rolls, a couple of other things I can’t recall at the moment. It was amazing. She was an amazing cook. I remember emailing her about recipes all the time when Joe and I first got married.

During the same week, our wedding day is when I also started to note a few behaviors that were a little off. This was before her heart surgery, which we all first attributed the changes we were seeing. I wondered why she hugged her purse all night during Thanksgiving at my family’s house or why she kept making strange comments about our wedding cake and how she could have done it better... it wasn’t like her.
Shortly after, she went in for her heart surgery and this really the last time I got to see any of the Deana I had first met in Connecticut. She progressed at a rapid rate. When our daughter was born, she and Bud came to visit. I was a bit hurt with the disconnect there was between her and Adri. She was excited to be there but was emotionally withdrawn. They came to visit again right before Adri turned one. She helped me bake Adri’s first cake. She was incredibly picky about food. Only wanted to eat certain things. We didn’t yet know what was really going on. It was so confusing.

Today I can’t have a conversation with my mother-in-law. I can’t ask her for any parenting advice or what’s the best type of icing to use for birthday cakes. I can’t expect her to even remember who I am if I don’t visit every month. It’s sad and I hate that she has to have this disease. It’s comforting to know that this time here on earth is but a minute in all of eternity and that I will have an opportunity to meet her again-in a place that she is whole once more.

Remembering Deana: Part V

Today's memoir of Deana comes from the daughter of her oldest brother, her niece Patricia.

I couldn't find a picture of the two of them together, but I found one of Patricia in her teenage years, which pertains to this post. Enjoy!

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My aunt Deana was like a second mother to me in my tormented, drama-filled teenaged years. For some reason, when I hit age 12, my parents were no longer cool anymore, and that’s where my aunt Deana came in. She is only 14 years older than I, and in my young teenage mind, she was cool, hip, pretty, and young. She used to talk to me all about her teenage years regarding boys, and to my boy-crazy mind, it was fun trading stories. She was still so young at heart, and it made all the difference in having a confidant to share things with. I used to spend most of my entire summer vacations at her house, and even some of the weekends, when I felt it was “getting too heated” at my own home. Or, sometimes, when my Aunt Deana wanted to go on a hot date with my Uncle Bud, she would come pick me up to babysit on a Friday night, and I would stay there the entire weekend. My aunt Deana always helped me re-ground myself amongst all the teenage drama, and I loved spending as much time with her as I could. It was a win-win situation for us both. Like most mothers, she was stressed out with raising her children, and needed help. I needed an escape from my drama-filled teenaged years at home. So, I would come help her babysit, clean house, and we would generally just be each other’s good friend and companion during those times.

Like Cassandra, I also remember her keeping an immaculate home. I always helped her every morning to sweep and mop the kitchen, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, and other household chores. What was fun during these times was when she would turn on MTV (back in the day when MTV actually had music videos) and we would rock out to Martika or some other crazy 80’s band while cleaning the house. She used to grab the mop from me and dance around with me in the kitchen. Oh, what fun that was! I remember one time when “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses came on, she grabbed the mop, pretended it was her microphone, and sung at the top of her lungs. High-pitched Axl Rose voice, and all! She was so fun, full of life, and best of all, silly!

As Cassandra mentioned, her mom was a fabulous cook. She also helped me learn to make my own peach pie when I was 12 years old. Peach pie was a tradition in her family every summer, and after she taught me how to make it, I would come over every summer, and we would make them together. I will always love and cherish those times as we grew closer together in our relationship. Plus, making peach pie and rocking out to Guns N’ Roses on the TV………what is not to like and love about that? See? Didn’t I tell you my Aunt was young, hip, and cool? Also, she helped me learn to cook as we made dinner together every night when I stayed there. She always had to have dinner on the table in time for when my Uncle Bud was coming home.
Another summer tradition was going to Knott’s Berry Farm. Because of all the help I gave my aunt during the summer, she always paid my way into Knott’s. This was a real treat because we grew up poor in my family, so trips to amusement parks were not usually something we ever did. I remember screaming and laughing with her on some of the scarier roller coasters, and when we’d get off them, she’d say, “That was totally awesome!”

As Cassandra mentioned, there was nothing she couldn’t talk about with her mom. It was the same with me. I truly believe because my aunt was there to hear and listen to me without judgment, that she saved me from making some really stupid mistakes in my teenage years. As a teenager, I didn’t feel as if I had anyone to turn to in my moments of drama and angst, and she was always there to pick me up and help me move forward. I will forever be grateful to her for that, and I hope to be the same kind of Auntie to my own nieces and nephews when they need someone to confide in.

She always struck the perfect balance of everything in her life, and religion was no exception. This was a rock to me as a teenager to see how someone could be hip, cool, and religious at the same time. She was always a shining example of someone strong in her faith and religion. This example shined so bright to me when she used to attend church all on her own with her three small children. Week after week she did this without fail for several years, and she never gave up the faith. I truly will always admire her for her rock-solid faith and dedication.

When I later got married and moved out of state, I really missed having my aunt nearby. The homesickness I had for her and my own mom (she was cool again by then) and everyone else I loved was very acute. It was always such a welcome joy to come home to California to see my beloved family, and seeing my sweet Aunt Deana again during these times always made my day. As more time and years went on, visits became fewer and far between. This past November, it had been a year since I saw her last, and I had the chance to come home for Thanksgiving . Gone was the young, hip, cool, Auntie I loved and adored. In her place, was a debilitating disease called dementia. It was a complete and total shock for me to see how far she had gone down in so short a time because I was still able to have somewhat normal conversations with her a year prior to that time. After my visit with her, when she could no longer see me, I broke down into sobs as we drove away from her home. I knew the Aunt I had loved and adored all those years was gone, at least in this life. I mourned my Aunt’s loss the rest of that day, but later was able to come to the conclusion that she is still there. Her mind may be gone, but she is still there! Her spirit is alive and well! Someday in the next life, she will be whole again. What a day that will be when we are all whole again, and reunited forever! I hugged her extra tight that day before I left, and I cannot wait to do so again the next time I see her. Dementia may take a lot from us and our loved ones suffering through it, but it cannot take away our love and memories. In my mind, she will always remain my young, hip, cool, and pretty Aunt. I love you so very much, Aunt Deana! Thank you for helping me become who I am today. I know I would have had some serious dark times without your love and support!

Remembering Deana: Part IV

For today's "Remembering Deana" segment, you are stuck hearing from me ;) I figure I oughta write down my own memoirs of my mom, even though I share tidbits here and there. Plus...other people needed some extra time to get back to me with their writings.

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Everything I ever needed to know, I learned from my mom.
Whether she ever realized it or not, my mom taught me so many valuable life lessons, both through word and through deed.

My mom kept an immaculate house. She made sure to teach her children how to keep an immaculate house, too! Each week we had our chore that we were responsible for (bathroom, living room, kitchen). It was our job to keep that area of the house cleaned up daily and to deep clean it on Saturdays. At the time, we moaned and groaned about it. When I went away to college, and had 5 roommates and weekly “clean checks” at our off-campus apartment, I was grateful for the skills that my mother taught me. I am grateful now that I have my own household, that I know how to keep a clean house. Okay…a somewhat clean house. I’m doing the best I can with 5 kids. I honestly don’t know how my mom did it!! Thank you, mom, for teaching me the value of hard work and how to keep a clean house.

My mom was a great cook. She taught us the importance of eating a balanced meal and made sure we had a healthy dinner on the table every night, which-I might add-we ate ALL TOGETHER. We rarely ate fast food. Mom wanted to keep us healthy. This was another very useful skill that I took with me when I went away to school, as well as when I got married and had a family. Thank you, mom, for teaching me how to cook and for also teaching me the value of eating together and connecting as a family.

My mom was talented. She made beautiful cakes. I remember my siblings and I would cringe when we went to friend’s birthday parties and their cakes were store bought (I know, we were cake snobs!). That was unthinkable in our household. My mom, who learned from her mom, made every single birthday cake as well as our wedding cakes. Even with twins, she made sure we each had our own, special cake for our birthday. She began teaching me how to decorate cakes when I was a young girl. When I was 13, she let me venture on my own and my best friend and I decorated the numbers “1” and “3” for my and my brother’s cake. When I became a mom, my mom was there by my side guiding me and directing me on how to make my children their own birthday cakes. Thank you, mom, for sharing your talent with me.

My mom valued family traditions. The holidays were always a great time for us. Every year, my mom would have a Christmas baking day and make all kinds of yummy Christmas goodies, passing them out to friends and neighbors. I loved helping her bake, especially at Christmas time. Friends and neighbors always looked forward to her treats as well, especially the English Toffee. This is a tradition that I have kept with my own children, and cherish very much. Thank you, mom, for passing down family traditions that I can carry on with my children.

My mom was fun. She liked to go to amusement parks, water parks and take us on camping trips and vacations. She liked to be silly and try to make us laugh (especially when we were grumpy!) I remember many a times when mom would turn the music on her stereo full blast while we were cleaning or baking, and singing and shaking to the beat. Sometimes, when I was little, she would take me by the hands and have me dance with her. My friends thought my mom was fun, too. I remember when she started working at my elementary school. She was the “nice” supervisor. I was proud that my mom worked there and even more proud that she was one of the favorites on the playground. Mom kept her fun spirit as I grew into a teenager. I remember feeling pride in the fact that my parents were young and fun. She loved to joke around and she liked to *try* and be funny. Some things were not as funny as others. One morning, she was driving my friends and me to school. Our high school was in a rough neighborhood, full of low-riders who blared their car stereos at deafening volumes. It was quite annoying. Thinking she would make something comical of it, mom lowered her carseat, slouched down, rolled down the windows and turned up her stereo full-volume. Her music of choice? Oldies. I remember shrinking down in my seat, begging her to turn it down, but deep down I was laughing and thought she was pretty funny. Thank you, mom, for having a sense of humor and for being fun.

My mom was open-minded and had open communication with her children. There was nothing we couldn’t talk about with our mom. Sometimes it could get embarrassing, as my brother asked some far out questions about sex (things he had heard from kids at school). Mom, though reserved, always answered our questions and was always there to talk when we needed her. She made it clear that, no matter how embarrassing it was to talk about something, that she wanted us to come to her. Anytime I had a problem that I needed advice for, or even someone to share happy news with, mom was there to listen. Thank you, mom, for listening to your children and for teaching me how to have good communication with my own children.

My mom was religious. She had a deep faith in God and in His son, Jesus Christ. She took us to church every single week; even in my younger days when my dad was “less active” and did not attend church regularly with us. My mom faithfully took us, every week, despite our embarrassing and sometimes unruly behavior. Mom taught us to love and have faith in our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. She taught us how to pray and how to build our faith and testimonies of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She taught us the importance of going to church and serving others there. Thank you, mom, for living your faith and teaching us through your example.

My mom was supportive. Her children were her first priority. She was at every award’s assembly, every spelling bee, every piano recital and every choir concert. I remember her chaperoning almost every field trip we took in elementary school. She was always the class mom and there for every school party. When I was in high school, she did her best to be at every home swim meet that we had (by that time she was working in the afternoons as a Head Start Aide, so sometimes she was late to my meets). She was always there to greet us at home after dates or nights out with friends. She was there for the births of all her grandchildren (except the grandbaby in Florida; she went after the birth).

Some of my favorite memories were when my mom came up to visit me at college (a 16 hour drive away from home) for our college's annual "Mother's Week". I think this was the time when I really grew closest to my mom. Going away to college, at 17 years old, made me realize how much I loved and appreciated my parents. And even though I was having the time of my life, I missed them terribly. Mom really began to become more of my friend during this time and I loved to spend time with her. I remembering counting down the days until it was time for mom to come up for Mother's Week. During that week, she would go to my classes with me, take me out to dinners and shopping (which was a big treat for a "starving student"!, attend college events (including our fashion show that I was a part of), and she took the time to get to know all of my friends that I had made while away at school. It was truly a wonderful time of bonding with my mom and it brings tears to my eyes to think back and remember these special times. These are memories that I will always hold dear to my heart. Thank you, mom, for always putting us first and supporting everything we were a part of.

My mom was many things; this is just the tip of the iceberg. These are some of the things I love most about my mom; some of the things I miss most about my mom. Thank you, mom, for teaching me everything I needed to know to be the wife, the mother and the friend that I am today.

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If you have a memoir you'd like to contribute for my Friday feature of "Remembering Deana", please contact me.

Remembering Deana: Part III

This post was written by my Uncle Jeff, my mom's brother.

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Deana and I were the closest in age of 5 children at 2 years apart. Our birthdays were a week apart with Deana’s following mine. Mom many times would make us one cake for both birthdays so compromise was always needed because Deana always wanted Chocolate cake and ice cream and I usually wanted Strawberry, Deana also hated coconut and I loved it. Mom would usually do half and half on the cake to satisfy our differences.

Since we were so close in age Deana and I did a lot together when we were younger. I can remember a time when Deana did not eat her vegetables and didn’t get dessert so I snuck her some of mine. As she crawled under the table to my chair I spoon fed her some of my dessert when no one was looking. I remember a time also when we went to Stater Brothers Market in Rubidoux Ca. I saw Deana chewing some Bazooka gum and wondering where she got it from she admitted to me she took a piece from the supermarket bin and began chewing it. I felt the need to rat her out for “stealing” the gum and told dad. Dad made her go up front to pay for it. I followed Deana up to the register where she had to “confess” her sins. She simply went up front with her penny to pay for the gum and handed it to the checker and said “this is for some gum that I am already chewing”. Wow, here I thought she was going to have to confess she took the gum but I had been out witted!

I remember another Super Market story, this one happened at Michaels Market in Glen Avon where we grew up. We entered the produce section and we were blowing air out of straws over the avocadoes that in those days sat in saw dust, it was cool watching the saw dust scatter. Deana rather than only exhaling made an inhale and sucked saw dust into her throat. She started choking and dad immediately grabbed her and I think even flipped her upside down and reached into her throat with his finger and scooped out the saw dust. Whew dad saved my sister!

Last story for now but Deana and I were walking to a friend’s house that took us to primary, a weekly church activity function for children. I was into the ‘playing with matches’ stage of my life and liked flicking them off the match book with my finger and watch them flare up then extinguish as they flung through the air. We were behind the market near a canal and I was doing my flinging! Next thing I know a man stops his car and yells to Deana and me to “Help stamp out this fire”! I had not even noticed my match didn’t go out and started the field on fire behind us. Some quick stamping and a disaster had been averted and we finished our walk to our friend’s home for our ride! I do not know why the man didn’t interrogate me as to how the fire started but so glad I didn’t get busted any further.

Deana has an outstanding memory of many past events and even in her dementia she seems to recall events I barely remember or do not remember at all. It seems so odd to me how certain things remain and others vanish completely from memory. When Deana visited me in the summer of 2012 she didn’t even know what a scrabble game was and said she has never played ‘that game’ yet she use to play it all the time especially when camping at Heart Bar camp ground. I showed her how to play and at first she wanted to play turn after turn like a crossword puzzle and not let me have my turn until she finally got it and we actually took turns. Eventually however when words were getting harder to find she immediately abandoned the game and got up and left the table. I felt this was the very few moments where I had actually connected with her for a small period of time during her stay. I am grateful to have so many memories and will have to share more later!

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If you have a memoir you would like to write about my mom for my Friday features, please contact me.