Dementia is such an emotional roller coaster. Lately, I feel like I've been holding everything inside. I'm not a big crier...I'm sensitive and emotional at times but I don't like crying, especially in front of people. So what do I do? I hold it all in until I end up having an emotional break down.
The past couple of months have been extremely difficult for me-with having to put my mom in a diaper and watching her decline more and more (that's just the tip of the iceberg). It's emotionally exhausting. I try to be strong: for my family and for myself. I tell myself that I can handle this and that I'm not going to let this disease break me. There are days that I do feel very strong and kept together. But then there are other days where it is just too much. The past couple months have had many days like that and it's been building and building inside my dam of emotions.
On top of the stress and heartache of my mom, I still have a life outside of caring for her. It's a balancing act to try and be everything for everyone. I try to take some of the burden off my dad by caring for my mom on my assigned days, and filling in when others can't make it, and I take care of the caregiving schedule. That seems easy enough but it can also be a headache at times. It seems like for the past two months, there are at least a couple shifts per week that are uncovered, so I'm scrambling to find someone to cover or I end up doing it myself.
Sports season is in full swing now as well. We've had baseball and acro (tumbling), swim team, GATE club (an after school program for gifted and talented education), church activity days and then my daughter wanted to do a song/dance with a group of friends for the school talent show. It ended up being a little more involved that I thought it would be, so for the past 2 1/2 months we've spent 1-2 hours every Wednesday after school teaching the girls the song and choreography for that dance. If sister is in the talent show, then brother wants to be in too so we've also been working on an act once a week with my son and his two friends. Needless to say, my plate has been full! I'm no different than any other mom; we all have a lot on our plates. But with all factors involved, I've been left feeling drained by the end of the day, physically and mentally.
Last week was the talent show (now I can mark one thing off my list) and I almost made it through seamlessly. Almost. Unfortunately, there were a couple of kinks to work out at last minute which resulted in a lot of stress the day before the show. Luckily everything worked out, but in the moment it was a little bit more than I could take and I kind of took the brunt of it for both groups. Some things were said that hurt my feelings but I know that I'm also extra sensitive right now because everything has been building. By Thursday night, the dam had broken and I locked myself in my bedroom, laid on my floor for an hour and half, un-functional, as the tears poured out, unstoppable. I felt stupid for a lot of things, including my reaction to the stress, but I guess it was inevitable with everything I'd been holding in. I cried for everything that had transpired those past couple of days but that was really just the icing on the cake. I knew many of my tears were those that I was holding back for my mom.
Today is the start of a new week. I'm ready to wipe away the tears and move forward. But I need to learn that crying is okay. I've lost a lot; I don't say that to pity myself, but rather to reassure myself to be patient with myself and know that I don't have to hold it all in all the time. Many people don't know what it's like to lose someone who is still living. I'm not perfect and I never will be. But I am doing my best!
And now, for your viewing pleasure, and to make this post a little more happy, I'm sharing my kids' videos from the talent show.
My son did a glow-in-the-dark dance with his two best friends. He is the one in the green, to the far right. Click here to see his video.
My daughter performed a song and dance to Annie's "Hard Knock Life" with 7 other friends. She is the one who starts out holding the sheet, on the left, and she does the solo part mocking Ms. Hannigan. You can view her video here.
I'm proud of my kids and for their hard work!