Happy Birthday Mommy

I'm a week late in posting this, but last Monday (the 11th) was mom's birthday. I wanted to blog about it, but I've been pretty busy and to be honest, I didn't have anything too positive to say. It was a bit of a disappointment, to say the least. We all knew that mom would probably not remember her birthday; afterall, the last birthday she remembered was last summer and she didn't understand Mother's Day (or any other holiday). So you'd think we would be prepared for the disappointment. Nevertheless, we thought-whether she understood her birthday or not-we would take her out to the mall and let her shop to her heart's delight at Bath & Body Works (followed by dinner at her favorite place, Miguel's). Mom has been extremely antsy to get out of the house lately, so we figured she'd jump on the chance to go out to the mall.

We prepped her days in advance of our shopping plans with seemingly no comprehension on her part. Then, on Sunday, she surprised us all by saying that dad was taking her to the mall "tomorrow". We felt optimistic that she has grasped something we had said. But the optimism was short lived. I arrived at her house at 4:00 on her birthday to help my dad get her ready to go to the mall. To make a long and tiring story short, mom couldn't understand what we were trying to get her to do. I brought the kids in to sing Happy Birthday to her, but they may as well have sang it to the wall for the response they got from their grandma. I thought the tune might-just maybe-spark a memory in her. We showed her her bottles of body lotion, stating that we wanted to take her to get more. Nothing. Mom sat on her bed and fixated her attention to the clock, waiting for it to turn to 4:30 which would allow her to go and eat her pb&j sandwich for dinner. We tried for more than half an hour to get her out the door until we finally resigned our efforts. I could tell that my dad felt let down and our moods all shifted from hope and optimism to sadness and defeat.

If there is anything positive that we can say about mom's birthday, it is that we had a show of love and support from our friends and family. We had set up a fundraiser for The DEANA Foundation, honoring it's namesake's birthday, at-where else?-Miguel's Jr. Throughout the day, I received texts, pictures and posts from friends who were dining at Miguel's and wishing my mom a happy birthday. I can't tell you how much that means. Though my mom's memory fades, the memory of the person she once was will forever live on.

(The top picture was taken when I was delivering my first baby in 2005. The second picture was taken on Mother's Day; it's a blurry shot but that's all we can get these days).

Labor What??

"Oh, Jeff is home; why is Jeff home today and not working today?"

Yesterday was Labor Day. My parents came over late afternoon for our usual Labor Day barbeque. It was about 4:45 when they arrived; on a regular day, my husband doesn't usually get home from work until 5:30 and she very quickly noticed that he was home before his normal time (I think it's easy for her to remember what time he gets home as it is the same time as her dinnertime).

"Mom, today is Labor Day, remember??"

As I tried to remind my mom about the holiday that lands every first-weekend-of-September, my mom stared intently at the food she placed on the counter and quickly changed the subject, asking about the salad I made, and if it had "tomatoes in it too".

Oddly enough, I had just read a post in my online support group that morning, talking about the very issue of a loved one (with dementia) forgetting what holidays and birthdays are.

So far, my mom has an excellent memory of birthdays and anniversaries. Every so often she goes to the Dollar Tree to stock up on birthday and anniversary cards for the upcoming months, because "they are such a good price, only a dollar!" She will fill them out and place them by her bedside a month before the occassion, every day reminding herself and others that so-n-so's birthday is on such-n-such date and "I even have a card to send her too." She loves to serenade us with song for our special days. Her favorite, which she recently admitted to me that she sings in her head at bedtime, is the Anniversary song (to the tune "William Tell Overture" by Rossini):

"Happy Anniversary,
Happy Anniversary,
Happy Anniversary,
Haaaaaaa-ppy Anniversary!
Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Anniversary....." (and on, and on, and on...)

Holidays are another issue. She remembers the big ones: Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter. I've noticed that she doesn't seem to remember the smaller holidays, such as Memorial Day or Labor Day. I remember this past Valentine's day...she was completely confused as to why my dad brought her flowers,

"Our anniversary isn't until February 28th."

Even with an explanation, she couldn't seem to recall what Valentine's Day is. Little by little, she is forgetting the meanings of these significant days.

With the holiday season drawing near, I feel a little bit of despair. Everything is changing, and it's changing fast. Last Christmas was so much different than the year before. What will this Christmas bring? Is this going to be the last year that she remembers what we are celebrating?

I know that time is precious. None of us know how much time we have. I am realizing now, more than ever before in my life, how important it is to make the most of the time we have. I feel an urgency to make this holiday season spectacular, and to make as many memories as possible.