Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Hair Dyeing Fiasco

Every time my mom sees my dad, she complains about him not being "supportive" of her. He won't give her credit cards or money, he won't give her the keys to the car, he takes away her blow dryer, he threw out her holey clothes...she's fixated on the things he won't let her do-the ways he won't "support" her and pouts endlessly about it. I feel for my dad; obviously he is doing what is best (and safest) for my mom, but it must still be hard to have to take that independence away from your spouse and be harassed about it day and day out. In fact, some things have taken a little too long for him to "take away" from her in my opinion, and no doubt it is because he is trying to let her hold on to whatever she can for as long as she can. It's a hard position to be in.

One of the few things that mom does everyday is her hair and make-up, as you all know from my other posts! She religiously dyes her hair every 8 weeks and marks the calendar for every 8th Friday as "dye hair" day. Mom is losing her concept of days (I'll touch on that in another post) so on Monday she had it in her head that it was hair dyeing day-which means that I was the lucky one on duty to supervise mom in her hair dyeing adventure.

When I first arrived, I had no idea that mom was dyeing her hair. When I heard both the sink running and the blow dryer going, I knew it was time to peek in on her. I found the blow dryer on the floor beside her, blowing on the rug, and mom bending over the sink in my dad's Rolling Stones t-shirt. She wore a plastic glove on her right hand, which clued me in on what she was doing. As I approached mom at the sink, I saw reddish-brown water dripping all over the counter and into the sink. What was most alarming, however, was the stream of dyed-water tricking into her eyes.

"Ouch, this is so weird ouch, I don't know why it's hurting here ouch," mom mumbled, rubbing her plastic, dye-covered gloves over her eye.

"Mom, shouldn't touch your eyes. Don't touch your eyes."

I tried to make her understand that it was the hair dye dripping into her eyes that was causing her discomfort. I tried to convince her to hop into the shower. Of course she didn't understand any of my direction. Instead, she nudged me away and continued to fill her Princess House Crystal glass with water and dump it over her head. I admit I really didn't know what to do and so I let her continue to rinse. I suppose I probably should have stripped her down and thrown her in the shower. But I felt as though that might be a violation of her and I was unsure if that was the right answer (aside from the fact that mom is bigger than me...I'm not sure if I could handle her alone). When mom felt as though she had rinsed enough (all of the dye was NOT out of her hair), she spun her head around and, without wringing out any water from her hair, made her way to a towel she had hung over the shower stall. Water and dye left a pathway to her shower stall and stained the clothes she had thrown on the floor.

Needless to say, there was a huge mess to clean up after this ordeal; obviously the biggest concern is not the mess, but rather the hair dye harming mom's eyes. I regretted having to relate the details to my dad. This is going to be another big obstacle for him and I feel for him. Yet again, he will be the "unsupportive" husband and will have a huge battle on his hands when he refuses to give her her hair dye. We could try to dye her hair for her, but I don't know if she will understand what we are trying to do or even allow us to do it-she is very set in her routine and her way of doing things. Maybe we can convince her to let her hair stylist do it for her; again, it's not part of her routine. Time will tell.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Last Holiday

Last summer, we traveled to Arizona to move my brother (and his family) out of his apartment and into a house. My dad came up with a seemingly great idea: let Joe and Natalie host Thanksgiving this year in their new place. Although I loved the idea of getting away and going to Joe's, I was very wary about how mom would handle the trip. How would she do on the drive? Would she understand where/why she was going? Would she engage at all or be miserable out of her comfort zone? How would we be able to go out anywhere all together?

Not to worry, says my dad, the optimist. He planned to bring his fifth wheel trailer; after all, there is a trailer camp a mile down the road from Joe's house. Mom would have her own space to sleep and get ready. But what about throughout the day? we all wondered. Dad figured that if Joe set up mom's favorite computer games on his computer, mom would be content to stay at Joe's house throughout the day to play games and maybe, just maybe, engage with family. one seemed to be off to a good start. Wednesday morning, dad dragged mom out of bed, showered her and had her in the truck, ready to go, by 8:00. That is a huge accomplishment for mom. Even though she couldn't understand where exactly they were going (she had it in her head that they were going to the mall and was annoyed with dad many times for going the wrong way), by the time they had arrived to Arizona and we answered the front door, mom came plowing through declaring,

"Joe? Joe? Is this Joe's house too?"

She came in and we all said hi and greeted mom, telling her how happy we were that she was there. Just why she was there, she had no idea. I suppose she thought they drove five hours to simply say hello. At any rate, we brought Joe and Natalie's 9 month old baby, Zach, over to mom and sat him in her lap in an effort to engage her. Most times, she will not look much at Zach and seems oblivious to his presence. But this time, she actually smiled at him and for a brief moment even held him (with Natalie's help, of course). It was such a touching moment to witness mom finally engaging (even if only very briefly) with her youngest grandbaby. It was a moment that I am sure we will all remember.

[And we'll all remember (with giggles) the moment afterwards when she pushed Zach back towards Natalie and said,

"She's your mom she's your mom, go to your mom."]

But alas, all good things must come to an end. Within a couple of hours, mom was ready to go. Dinner and medicine time were coming up and mom wanted to be in her space. Dad took her back to her trailer and we thought (or had hoped) that she would be content in her home-away-from-home. Unfortunately, mom was ready to go home. Nevertheless, she settled down and the next morning (Thanksgiving) dad was able to get her back over to Joe's....for a little while. She was restless again by noon time and insisted that dad take her home. Dad eventually gave in and took her back to the trailer for a nap. I suspect the only way he got her back over to Joe's later that afternoon was that she was hopeful he was obliging her requests to go home. Needless to say, she was not happy to be at my brother's house. For the next two hours, she paced, she complained, she tried to find ways out of the house (the closet, the garage, the front door). There were a couple of times we had to guard the door and a couple other times we had to bring her back inside after her attempt to escape to the truck. We tried to get her engaged in computer games, but that master plan failed. She wasn't familiar with Joe's computer, especially because it was a laptop rather than a desktop. She insisted that it wasn't right and would not even give it a second glance.

And my dad...his despair was plain to see. Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday. I know he was really looking forward to all of us being together and spending time together as a family. He hardly spoke and I could see the sadness in his eyes. He didn't even eat his pie-we made both of his favorites: pumpkin and coconut. I hope I'm not crossing the line by writing about this, but how can you not feel depressed under these circumstances? As hard as it is for me and much as I miss my mom, she is my dad's wife, his life partner, the love of his life. We tried to get him to laugh during dinner and lighten the mood, but when he finally spoke, reality hit me hard when he said,

"This is the last holiday".

We all know this, of course. Mom barely engaged in the holidays last year. This year it is completely gone. And so it's hard for my dad to carry on and celebrate the holidays without my mom.

"The magic is gone," he says.

We tried to convince my dad to move the trailer in front of Joe's house that night; he was in no mood to deal with it. After mom swung her bag and hit dad in the back of his head (in an effort to get his attention to take her home), dad got up from the table and took mom back to the trailer for the night.

Dad was ready to take mom back home, but we still wanted him to stay and visit with us and we really wanted to boost his spirit. The next morning, my brother, nephew and I went to dad's trailer and told him we were there to help him move the trailer to Joe's house. Surprisingly, he gave in. We packed him up and set him up at Joe's house. At least there, he could come inside to visit while mom remained where she was a little more comfortable. For the next couple of days, dad was able to come inside and visit with us while still keeping an eye on mom. We watched movies, he rode his scooter with the kids, we celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday. We spent some time shopping and taking the kids to the park and whatnot, but my dad stayed behind. He didn't want to even deal with mom out in public; he already felt so defeated. It was disappointing that we couldn't all go out together. My brother stayed behind and hung out in the trailer with my parents while we took the kids out on Saturday. Mom continued to nag dad to take her home, but he seemed to be in better spirits about it than on Thanksgiving Day.

Originally, dad had planned to stay until Monday to beat traffic. But he was tired and felt like he was keeping mom prisoner, so he left with us on Sunday. Mom was restless most of the way home and was upset that dad was "going the wrong way".

"That's not the way you go, you shouldn't go that way, you're so stupid," she'd say.

When we stopped for lunch, we had to practically drag her inside the restaurant and dad had to trap her in a booth while we ordered his lunch. She kept trying to pinch him to get free and asked if we were at the "food place up the street."

"Is that store Stater Brothers over there too? Can I walk home now?" (We were barely at state line).

We made it through lunch without her escaping and continued our journey home. Because of the holiday traffic, our 5 hour drive turned into 8. Thankfully my dad had my nephew in the truck with him to help keep him sane, but it was a difficult drive, no doubt.

So there you have it. I wish I could say it was a wonderful trip with lots of grand memories made. Don't get me wrong, we had some fun and laughs and did make some memories, but I know it was a big let down for my dad. Needless to say, this was not only the last holiday, but it was also mom's last trip. I know we've said that the past couple of trips, but this trip surely sealed the deal.

And now...on to Christmas.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Mom's Famous English Toffee


Mom's English Toffee was such a success last year that we are doing it again! From now until Dec. 21st, you can order my mom's famous English Toffee. Please note that I make up the orders when I have the right amount to complete a whole batch. If there is a specific date that you want/need the toffee, please specify that for me. Otherwise I will start making batches the week of December 8th and filling them in complete batches so none goes to waste. It ships well so if you are in another state, you can still partake in this deliciousness!! I send my toffee out priority mail to ensure that you get it quickly. Please carefully select from the options below, as there are a few options (two for shipping and one for local pick up). If you prefer to pay with cash or check, just let me know!


*The shipping reflects in the check out section. There are two shipping options due to do higher costs for higher amounts of toffee ordered. Shipping for 1/2-1 pound of toffee is $5.20 and anything more than 1 pound is $10.95; that is priority shipping.

English Toffee-WITH SHIPPING

English Toffee-WITH SHIPPING



**To view other fundraisers we have going on or to make a donation to my mom's caregiving expenses, please visit my fundraising page.