Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Mom hasn't known what holidays are for a couple of years now. I only get to spend every other year with my family for Thanksgiving; the odd years are spent with my in-laws and the even years are with my side of the family. It's been quite a while since I've enjoyed a real Thanksgiving with my mom. This morning, a picture popped up in my facebook memories. It was a picture taken of Mom and me during Thanksgiving, 2010. While looking at that picture, I realized that this was the last real Thanksgiving I had with mom.
In 2010, we knew that something was wrong with her, but we didn't know quite what it was (despite several appointments with doctors and specialists). Mom had come to Thanksgiving at my house that year and was finicky over the food. My Uncle was making the turkey the "wrong way" (he was smoking it on the BBQ), she was having aversions to a lot of the foods and she messed up on making her pies. I thought it strange at the time that her pumpkin pie had turned out runny; mom had always been a master in the kitchen. I remember being slightly embarrassed and confused with the odd way Mom was behaving. I feel a little ashamed of that now, but at the time I had no idea what was going on.
In hindsight, I wish I would've known that that would be our last real Thanksgiving with her. Rather than being annoyed or embarrassed, I would have embraced every moment of the holiday. Thinking about it now bring tears to my eyes. I miss my mom so much.
By the next Thanksgiving turn (2012) she'd received her diagnosis and even though she still somewhat understood what Thanksgiving was, she didn't participate in any of the preparations and she didn't eat any of the food. Thanksgiving 2014 came and went and she didn't even know what Thanksgiving was. This time, I was a little more mentally prepared in that I had no expectations of jogging her memory in getting her to remember what the holiday is. Those days are long gone. Everyday seems to mesh into the next for her; there are no special days anymore.
Thanksgiving dinner was held at my parent's house, as are all holidays nowadays due to the fact that we can't get Mom to leave the house and be comfortable anywhere else. My house is a little more ideal for family gatherings, with a big backyard and plenty of space for the kids to run around and play. Dad's house is a little tighter quarters, but, it is what it is and we make the best of it. There were two highlights of this Thanksgiving. One was that Mom came into the kitchen to make her peanut butter and jelly sandwich right during dinner time, which meant that we had two minutes of her sitting down at the table with the family during our feast! It might sound silly, but it was such a sweet thing to have her sit with us, if only but for a moment. The second highlight was getting this snapshot of Mom with some of her grandkids. Not all the grandkids were there that day, but I was happy to get this picture of her with the kids.
I enjoyed spending time with my family, but it's still really hard without Mom. I often wonder if it's harder having her there physically. It's a painful reminder of all that we are missing. I almost made it through the entire day without any tears ;)
Check back tomorrow for another post about the eventful weekend that followed Thanksgiving!!