Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Imagining Life

It's been a while since I've last written. Life is moving forward. The seasons are changing, the kids are growing. It's strange to be in a time and place where my mom does not exist. Sometimes I watch the news or hop onto social media and I think about how lucky she was to never have to see some of the ugliness and craziness going on in the world. If everything I've been taught is true, then she's in a glorious place where sorrow and ugly doesn't exist. Other times I am left feeling sorry that she never got to grow old; she never got to watch her grandkids grow, and see all that they are accomplishing. She missed out on the golden years with my dad. There's an emptiness in our lives without her.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if Mom were still here. Who would I be? What would I be doing? I sometimes find myself imagining what I'd be doing right now if Mom were still with us. I imagine the two of us making our shopping list for our upcoming RV trip to Lake Pleasant. I imagine sitting together in church, my youngest sitting on her lap while she looks at books with him and tries to keep him quiet and reverent. I imagine her marveling at Ryder's most recent tooth that he lost and remarking what a big boy he is becoming.

I imagine that I'd be saving a seat for her at the boy's talent show. I would look over at her and she would have that huge grin that she used to get when she was beaming with pride. She would be so proud of their courage for getting up on stage, and of Cody's amazing talent with his guitar.

I imagine her cheering above every other voice in the room, "that's my girl!" when Aubrey takes the stage to sing, just like she did when it was one of her daughter's on stage.

I imagine my kids having sleepovers at grandma's house while Jeff and I go out on a date night. She and dad would probably be spoiling them with trips to the movies or the fair, like they used to do B.D.

I imagine myself, picking up the phone to call her and vent to her about the teenage attitude I'm dealing with, or to ask for recipe tips or advice on any given topic.

If Mom were still here, I wonder how I would fill my days now that all the kids are in school. I imagine that I would be the mom that is at the school all the time, volunteering in the classroom, joining the PTA, running all the activities. Maybe I would put more time and effort in to my home sewing business. I wouldn't have so many distractions- a foundation to run, blogs to write, tears to wipe.

My course in life has certainly been changed by dementia and by the tragic loss of my mom. It has changed the person that I am. The ambitions and goals of my younger self are not the same as they are today and life can never be how it would have been if Mom were here. Now that she is gone, I can't go back to who I once was.

And yet, I'm not sure if I'd want to go back to that person. On one hand, I have much more sadness in my life now. The rose colored glasses have come off and I see things in a different light now; not just my own sorrows and struggles, but that of others as well. My heart hurts for what I've been through and it hurts for what I see others going through. There are some days where I feel completely unhinged and unstable and I struggle with the dark cloud of sadness that often hovers overhead. But, on the other hand, I've heard it said that you can't truly feel joy without having felt pain, and I feel like I appreciate the little things in life so much more.

Going through this has definitely made me a more empathetic person. I feel that I am better able to relate to others experiencing loss because I have felt what it's like to have my own heart ripped in two. I am more aware of other's needs and things I might be able to do to lighten their burden. B.D.(Before Dementia), I would have never imagined myself doing some of the things I've had to do; giving up my time to provide care for someone other than my kids, changing diapers, aiding and comforting someone in their last moments in life, preparing them with all the love and tenderness that one can muster for their final departure of this life. All of those things required sacrifice and they were not always easy or convenient, but I am better off for having learned those little lessons of love. Love means sacrifice and I'm not so sure I completely understood that B.D.

My relationships with family members and friends would not be the same either. My dad and I have always had a good relationship, but I feel as though we have grown a lot closer over the past several years. We have leaned on one another to get through this. We've had some deep and meaningful conversations and I have found myself turning to him for advice many times. My love and respect for him has only grown deeper by his example of unconditional love and care for my mom and for his entire family.

I have always considered myself to have had good relationships with my family, but when my mom got sick, there were a couple of aunts who became like second mothers to me. After my mom was diagnosed, one of my aunts (who lives long distance) started calling me every now and then, just to chit-chat. We'd never really had that kind of relationship before, but the more and more she called, the more I came to see that I had someone else there for me, ready to listen. Now, we talk on the phone at least a couple of times a week, if not more. She's become a mother figure to me and our relationship has become very special and dear to me. I have another aunt who I've grown closer with as well. She was the aunt I used to spend the night with growing up, so we've always been close. But since my mom has been sick, we make more of an effort to have regular family dinners and get together here and there "just because" or to celebrate birthdays. She and my uncle make an effort to be at the kid's concerts and events and I know that both of these aunts are always be there for me in a heartbeat when I need anything. In fact, they are the ones who I leaned on the most the week my mom died. I don't know that these relationships would be quite the same if dementia hadn't have crossed our path.

Because of dementia, I have had to learn patience and forgiveness, both for myself and with others (this is a never ending lesson!). I have learned to rely on and trust in other people. My mom was always my "go to" person, but by opening myself to talking and confiding with other people, my relationships with them have grown stronger and I have discovered a whole "community" of people that I feel a part of. So many people have shown love and support over the years; family and friends alike rallied together to help our family during years of hardship. I had friends who had never even met my mom B.D., but were still at her funeral and serving us through our darkest times. Their examples of friendship have truly inspired me and makes me want to be a better friend and person.

I hate that it took losing my mom to grow into the person I have become, yet there is also a sense of beauty in bettering one self in spite of trials. I can't really say if I am truly better or not, since I don't know the person I would be if this had never happened, but I'd like to think that there are ways that I've learned and grown through this. Lately I have been struggling with myself; feelings of sadness and inadequacy have been creeping in; feeling a bit lost and confused about which path to take in this stage of my earthly journey (another post for another day). Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and go back to a simpler time of life. But I am trying to focus on the beauty rather than the pain and trying to live a life that my mom would be proud of.


  1. Crying as I read this. I don’t feel like the same person either. I long for my old life, life BD. Yet, I would not trade the intentional time Mom and I spent together, the conversations and trips we would not have had if it weren’t for dementia. It’s so hard. I also long for the day that I don’t have all these feelings. When her name or a memory doesn’t illicit deep pain and sadness, but only happiness. Thank You for sharing your story. You are therapy for my soul

  2. Choked up while I read this. You have surely become a stronger person now and I read about all the struggle you went through. Dealing with the loss of a closest one gives you a pain so deep, you won’t ever come out of it and instead you are doing a great job. Moving on is difficult but you are making the best out of it. That’s Beautiful! Keep it up!

  3. Alzheimer T-shirt, is designed for inspiration who are facing the Memory loss that disrupts daily life, Making occasional errors when balancing a checkbook., Difficulty completing familiar tasks at home, at work or at leisure, Getting confused about the day of the week but figuring it out later., Trouble understanding visual images and spatial relationships, New problems with words in speaking or writing, Misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps, Making a bad decision once in a while., Sometimes feeling weary of work, family and social obligations., Changes in mood and personality problems. I got out three tips for them if they follow they this 3 tips they will run out from this problem. This is one kind of awareness t-shirts for them. So I hope this t-shirt will give them inspiration so much.

  4. As a sign of gratitude for how my son was saved from dementia , i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My son suffered dementia and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony of so many people who was cured from dementia and so many other with similar body problem, and they left the contact of the doctor who had the herbal cure to dementia . I never imagined dementia has a cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my son will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my son used it and in one months he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life. dementia has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony

  5. I would be ungrateful if I decided not to share our success experience with ZOMO, I was a born caregiver, so it’s hard for me to look at my own needs as separate from my Dad’s needs. Most patients just need someone to hug them and tell them that they are not worthless, the treatment I tried not only worked but I believe cured him.

    He was diagnosed in 2011. I took Dad to the GP after noticing that he had become increasingly forgetful and vague. The clear sign that something was wrong came when he drove his car to the local shops (a five minute drive), bought his shopping, then walked back home, forgetting the car was parked outside the shop. The next day he rang me to say the car had been stolen. He had no recollection of leaving it behind. After a week he began to repeat himself and ask the same questions. He would struggle to remember conversations that had only occurred five minutes earlier.

    His situation was very complicated. I understand how one feel as a daughter and once caregiver, memory loss is so much more complicated. Many have been conditioned to think that traditional medicine has not found a cure for a disease. ZOMO have challenged this train of my thought. When he was ill, it was a tragedy, I endured, I was broken, I knew hardship, I was lost. But here I stand and I can tell you unequivocally that my Dad is cured. It is those of us who have been broken that understand the meaning of memory loss. As I look at the past and start writing this, tears of joy overwhelm me. I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better. It was one of my most difficult jobs and one that I poured my heart and soul into daily. Taking into account how well my Dad progressed in that space of time and now. There is no more memory loss symptoms for more than 6months now. The thing is, I get peace of mind when Dad is well taken care of: when he’s happy, I’m happy. Right now, it’s all about him…I always enter into his world so we can manage life together. We wake up every morning with a smile and we look forward to what the new day will bring. Reach out to him at


  6. Although therapy has become more tolerable and once daily FDC tables have made it easier to adhere to prescribed treatment, it still requires that patients take their medication regularly to achieve sustained viral suppression. When treatment adherence is inadequate and replication is therefore not suppressed, But dr itua promised and fulfilled his promised to me as he said I will share his work to people that are suffering from Infertility, Herpes,Cervical Cancer,Bone Cancer,Brain Cancer,Prostate Cancer,Leukemia,Brain Tumor,Breast Cancer,Blood Cancer,Kidney Cancer,, Hepatitis A/B, Fibroid, HIV/ Aids, Alzheimer's disease, Arthritis, Copd, Diabetes, Liver/Kidney Inflamotry,Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Alzheimer's disease,
    Dementia. Fibromyalgia, Parkinson's disease, I have read a lot of testimony online from Jesus McKinney,Achima Abelard and Tara Omar on how dr itua heal them with his herbal medicine I contacted him on Email / then we talk on whatsapp +2348149277967 he gave me instruction on how to drink it for two weeks then after drinking it for two weeks I went for test then I find out I was cured of HIV, I thank him allot i also send him some money for appreciation, Contact this great herbal doctor if you are a sick person.

  7. I'm 15 years old. I was born with HIV my mother passed away because of the HIV infection And I regret why i never met Dr Itua he could have cured my mum for me because as a single mother it was very hard for my mother I came across Dr itua healing words online about how he cure different disease in different races diseases like HIV/Aids Herpes,Parkison,Asthma,Autism,Copd,Epilepsy,Shingles,Cold Sore,Infertility, Chronic Fatigues Syndrome,Fibromyalgia,Love Spell,Prostate Cancer,Lung Cancer,Glaucoma.,psoriasis,Cirrhosis of Liver, Cataracts,Macular degeneration, Infectious mononucleosis.,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Alzheimer's disease,psoriasis,
    Dementia.,Tach Disease,Breast Cancer,Blood Cancer,Colo-Rectal Cancer,Love Spell,Chronic Diarrhea,Ataxia,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Scoliosis,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Toxicity
    Syndrome Fibrodysplasia Ossificans ProgresSclerosis,Weak Erection,Breast Enlargment,Penis Enlargment,Hpv,measles, tetanus, whooping cough, tuberculosis, polio and diphtheria)Diabetes Hepatitis even Cancer I was so excited but frighten at same time because I haven't come across such thing article online then I contacted Dr Itua on Mail . I also chat with him on what's app +2348149277967 he tells me how it works then I tell him I want to proceed I paid him so swiftly Colorado post office I receive my herbal medicine within 4/5 working days he gave me guild lines to follow and here am I living healthy again can imagine how god use men to manifest his works am I writing in all articles online to spread the god work of Dr Itua Herbal Medicine,He's a Great Man

  8. As a sign of gratitude for how my husband was saved from Dementia, i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My husband suffered Dementia and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony of so many people who was cured from Dementia, and so many other with similar body problem, and they left the contact of this doctor who had the herbal cure to Dementia. I never imagined Dementia has a cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my husband will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my husband used it and in one months he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life.Dementia has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony . 

  9. Thanks for the information. If you can write on Manchester airport cheap parking short stay parking gatwick parking system that’s good for the readers.

  10. Wow! this is Amazing! Do you know your hidden name meaning ? Click here to find your hidden name meaning

  11. I was diagnosed as HEPATITIS B carrier in 2013 with fibrosis of the
    liver already present. I started on antiviral medications which
    reduced the viral load initially. After a couple of years the virus
    became resistant. I started on HEPATITIS B Herbal treatment from
    ULTIMATE LIFE CLINIC ( in March, 2020. Their
    treatment totally reversed the virus. I did another blood test after
    the 6 months long treatment and tested negative to the virus. Amazing
    treatment! This treatment is a breakthrough for all HBV carriers.

  12. Thank you for sharing this information.Find out more about..Signs It’s Time For Memory Care Facility