Sunday, July 29, 2018

One Year

One year.

How can time seem fast and slow at the same time?

We have been through our firsts of everything without mom: the first holiday season, the first birthday, the first Mother's Day. And now, the first anniversary of the day she left us. They say that it gets easier with time. If that's true, then why does it still hurt so much? Why have I spent the entire day (and the days building up to today) feeling so down and in tears?

I knew it would be hard. I tried to give myself a distraction. Several months ago, we planned a family vacation for the last two weeks of July. It seemed like a good idea at the time-to get away, having family fun so that our minds don't wander back to that dark time. It helped a little, but I'm really not sure if it was a good idea or not. It did help to keep my mind busy throughout the day, but I also felt a dark cloud lingering over me the whole time. Every morning I woke up remembering what we were doing on that day one year ago; it's impossible to forget. The memories of those last two weeks replay vividly in my mind, the good and the bad; memories of hospice stepping in, of the doctor delivering painful news, memories of taking her for rides around the block in the wheelchair when she could no longer walk, memories of her looking up at me and touching my face, memories of snuggling in bed beside her warm body as she slowly slipped away. I tried to push them out of my mind, but at the same time I want to remember, I want to hold on to those last moments that I had with my mom. I don't want to forget her. And so the memories creep in, haunting me, leaving a deep ache in my chest.

We returned from our vacation last night. We wanted to be home to visit her grave on this day. I wanted to plan something special, something meaningful, for the one year mark. But, I couldn't think of what to do and it was just too depressing to think about, if I'm being honest. It isn't exactly a celebration; this is the day she died. Yet, we couldn't let the day go by without acknowledging her. We ended up keeping it simple: a visit to her grave followed by dinner at my house with a small group of family.


We had a meal that reminded us of her. Mom's spaghetti dinner has always been a favorite, so I made her delicious spaghetti sauce. Some of my early readers may remember Mom's obsession (in earlier phases) with tortellini and mixed vegetables, so Dad brought that, although we didn't use quite as much garlic as she used to. Dad also brought the root beer and we drank with straws, just how she liked. She went through a phase of salad obsession, so Aunt Sharon brought some salad. Of course, the meal would not be complete without pb&j sandwiches, so my sister-in-law, Amber, brought those. For dessert, I whipped up a batch of Mom's chocolate chip cookies, taking me back to the good ol' days when I'd walk in the door after school and inhale the sweet scent of homemade cookies awaiting me for snack. It was sweet to share a meal together-a meal Mom would have been quite pleased with-as we remembered her. By this afternoon all I really wanted to do was cancel dinner and stay curled up in my bed by myself, but I'm glad that I didn't. It helps to be surrounded by family.

I made it through the day, and I even blogged about it. I think that's a victory. My head hurts from crying and I want to go to sleep now. Sorry to sound like a Negative Nelly, but that's just keeping it real. The pain doesn't go away, even with time. You just learn how to live with it, little by little. There are good days and bad days. Some days I feel strong, some days I feel weaker than ever. This is so much harder than I ever imagined.

21 comments:

  1. I’m crying as I read this. Everything you did is so true. I want to ff to the time when I don’t cry st the drop of a hat and at the same time I don’t want to have lived that long without her. I’m sorry you’ve been without your beautiful Mom for a year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. As a sign of gratitude for how my son was saved from dementia , i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My son suffered dementia and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony of so many people who was cured from dementia and so many other with similar body problem, and they left the contact of the doctor who had the herbal cure to dementia . I never imagined dementia has a cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my son will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my son used it and in one months he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life. dementia has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would be ungrateful if I decided not to share our success experience with ZOMO, I was a born caregiver, so it’s hard for me to look at my own needs as separate from my Dad’s needs. Most patients just need someone to hug them and tell them that they are not worthless, the treatment I tried not only worked but I believe cured him.

    He was diagnosed in 2011. I took Dad to the GP after noticing that he had become increasingly forgetful and vague. The clear sign that something was wrong came when he drove his car to the local shops (a five minute drive), bought his shopping, then walked back home, forgetting the car was parked outside the shop. The next day he rang me to say the car had been stolen. He had no recollection of leaving it behind. After a week he began to repeat himself and ask the same questions. He would struggle to remember conversations that had only occurred five minutes earlier.

    His situation was very complicated. I understand how one feel as a daughter and once caregiver, memory loss is so much more complicated. Many have been conditioned to think that traditional medicine has not found a cure for a disease. ZOMO have challenged this train of my thought. When he was ill, it was a tragedy, I endured, I was broken, I knew hardship, I was lost. But here I stand and I can tell you unequivocally that my Dad is cured. It is those of us who have been broken that understand the meaning of memory loss. As I look at the past and start writing this, tears of joy overwhelm me. I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better. It was one of my most difficult jobs and one that I poured my heart and soul into daily. Taking into account how well my Dad progressed in that space of time and now. There is no more memory loss symptoms for more than 6months now. The thing is, I get peace of mind when Dad is well taken care of: when he’s happy, I’m happy. Right now, it’s all about him…I always enter into his world so we can manage life together. We wake up every morning with a smile and we look forward to what the new day will bring. Reach out to him at charantova@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

  4. Although therapy has become more tolerable and once daily FDC tables have made it easier to adhere to prescribed treatment, it still requires that patients take their medication regularly to achieve sustained viral suppression. When treatment adherence is inadequate and replication is therefore not suppressed, But dr itua promised and fulfilled his promised to me as he said I will share his work to people that are suffering from Infertility, Herpes,Cervical Cancer,Bone Cancer,Brain Cancer,Prostate Cancer,Leukemia,Brain Tumor,Breast Cancer,Blood Cancer,Kidney Cancer,, Hepatitis A/B, Fibroid, HIV/ Aids, Alzheimer's disease, Arthritis, Copd, Diabetes, Liver/Kidney Inflamotry,Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Alzheimer's disease,
    Dementia. Fibromyalgia, Parkinson's disease, I have read a lot of testimony online from Jesus McKinney,Achima Abelard and Tara Omar on how dr itua heal them with his herbal medicine I contacted him on Email drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com /info@drituaherbalcenter.com. then we talk on whatsapp +2348149277967 he gave me instruction on how to drink it for two weeks then after drinking it for two weeks I went for test then I find out I was cured of HIV, I thank him allot i also send him some money for appreciation, Contact this great herbal doctor if you are a sick person.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm 15 years old. I was born with HIV my mother passed away because of the HIV infection And I regret why i never met Dr Itua he could have cured my mum for me because as a single mother it was very hard for my mother I came across Dr itua healing words online about how he cure different disease in different races diseases like HIV/Aids Herpes,Parkison,Asthma,Autism,Copd,Epilepsy,Shingles,Cold Sore,Infertility, Chronic Fatigues Syndrome,Fibromyalgia,Love Spell,Prostate Cancer,Lung Cancer,Glaucoma.,psoriasis,Cirrhosis of Liver, Cataracts,Macular degeneration, Infectious mononucleosis.,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Alzheimer's disease,psoriasis,
    Dementia.,Tach Disease,Breast Cancer,Blood Cancer,Colo-Rectal Cancer,Love Spell,Chronic Diarrhea,Ataxia,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Scoliosis,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Toxicity
    Syndrome Fibrodysplasia Ossificans ProgresSclerosis,Weak Erection,Breast Enlargment,Penis Enlargment,Hpv,measles, tetanus, whooping cough, tuberculosis, polio and diphtheria)Diabetes Hepatitis even Cancer I was so excited but frighten at same time because I haven't come across such thing article online then I contacted Dr Itua on Mail drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com/ . I also chat with him on what's app +2348149277967 he tells me how it works then I tell him I want to proceed I paid him so swiftly Colorado post office I receive my herbal medicine within 4/5 working days he gave me guild lines to follow and here am I living healthy again can imagine how god use men to manifest his works am I writing in all articles online to spread the god work of Dr Itua Herbal Medicine,He's a Great Man

    ReplyDelete
  6. As a sign of gratitude for how my husband was saved from Dementia, i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My husband suffered Dementia and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony of so many people who was cured from Dementia, and so many other with similar body problem, and they left the contact of this doctor who had the herbal cure to Dementia. I never imagined Dementia has a cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my husband will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my husband used it and in one months he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life.Dementia has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony .    

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow! this is Amazing! Do you know your hidden name meaning ? Click here to find your hidden name meaning

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm giving a testimony about Dr Nogadu the great Herbalist, he has the cure to all manner of diseases, he cured my herpes simplex virus, though I went through different website I saw different testimonies about different spell casters and herbalist, I was like: 'Many people's have the herpes simplex virus cure why are people still suffering from it?' I though of it, then I contact Dr Nogadu via email, I didn't believe him that much, I just wanted to give him a try, he replied my mail and Needed some Information about me, then I sent them to him, he prepared it (CURE) and sent it to me through Air freight Online Courier Service for delivery, he gave my details to the Courier Office, they told me that 2-5 days I will receive the parcel and i took the medicine as prescribed by him and I went for check up 2 week after finishing the medicine, I was tested herpes simplex virus negative, if you are herpes simplex virus patient do me a favour by  contacting him and I assure anyone who is suffering from it, your problem will never remain the same again you will be cured also Dr Nogadu help my brother wife to cure her cervical cancer she was suffering from the past 5 years, After he {cure} my herpes simplex virus, then my brother  heard about it, he went home to tell his wife  about Dr Nogadu then his wife  email him and explain her problem to him, he also prepare herbal medicine and he use Air freight courier service to sent her the herbal medicine and he instruct her on how she  will be using it for 14 days, That on the 15 days of it, she should go and check her self in the hospital and she did as she was instructed by Dr Nogadu, to GOD be the glory she was cure of her cervical cancer which she was suffering from for the past 5 years thanks to these great man we will ever remain grateful to you sir for the good work you did in our family. When you contact him, make sure you tell him that I refer you.. contact him via: drnogaduherbalist@gmail.com or WhatsApp him on +2347010627760.

    ReplyDelete
  9. My husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2016 there's a herbal foundation in Cape Town they cured my husband  Alzheimer's disease . Pm me i will give their details. People can search about them on Google or youtube (Multivitamin Care ). My husband faced many difficulties and was in several depression, Trouble understanding visual image, aggression ,so many,. This thing happened to him at a very crucial stage of our life. The biggest help we had was from multivitamincare org  .They walked us through the proper steps, I highly recommend these herbs to anyone suffering from disease .

    ReplyDelete
  10. I was diagnosed as HEPATITIS B carrier in 2013 with fibrosis of the
    liver already present. I started on antiviral medications which
    reduced the viral load initially. After a couple of years the virus
    became resistant. I started on HEPATITIS B Herbal treatment from
    ULTIMATE LIFE CLINIC (www.ultimatelifeclinic.com) in March, 2020. Their
    treatment totally reversed the virus. I did another blood test after
    the 6 months long treatment and tested negative to the virus. Amazing
    treatment! This treatment is a breakthrough for all HBV carriers.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Such an unbeatable site much informational and I am really finding it more useful to enhance the knowledge and readers will definitely like to see your blogs. Excellent place to sell your old cars we Ezy cash for cars would be the best choice for you we deal with cash for damaged cars Brisbane as well with car removal.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Very good quality. I am surprised how many attempts you set to make such an excellent informative website. Looking Scrap Metal Services? All thanks to the team effort! Adrians Metal Recyclers provide their customers with Scrap Metal Gold Coast Services. Avail of our quick and hassle-free car removal deal without worrying about the towing cost. You can easily get your car removed without thinking about the make, model, and condition. So, contact us today and receive a cash amount of up to $9,999.

    ReplyDelete
  13. scrap car removal brisbane One of the best cash for cars & scrap removal companies situated in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia . We offer a full suite of car removal and cash for car service, and we are also a genuine buyer of used and second hand, scrapped, wrecked and spoiled cars.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Most parents discourage their daughters from participating in sports and performing physical activities at school. This is mainly, because they fear that their complexion would become dark.
    cash for old cars

    ReplyDelete
  15. I have been exploring for a little for any high-quality articles or weblog posts in this kind of space . Exploring in Yahoo I ultimately stumbled upon this site. Studying this information So i am glad to show that I have an incredibly just right uncanny feeling I came upon just what I needed.
    cash for cars southport

    ReplyDelete
  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I must say it is full of informational blogs. Thumbs up! It’s good to see so many positive customer reviews and happy clients! By choosing Cash for Cars Hobart near me you can get your Cash for Unwanted Cars Hobart
    and receive cash up to $9,999. With minimal paperwork and free towing, rest assured your car is in good hands. So, why wait to avail the best cash for cars Hobart offers.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nice Article, well, thanks for sharing. We are also offering the best Cash for cars Brisbane services. By getting the quote, you can see how much you will save immediately. We pay up to $9,998 instant. We accept vehicles of all ages, makes, and models whether used, scrap, old, unwanted or junk.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Awesome article! I want people to know just how good this information is in your article. APlus Car Removal welcomes anyone with any make, model, or condition of the car. Our professional team comes to your given location and quickly remove the car for free and offer the highest cash amount up to $11,000. Get an amazing Cash for Cars Brisbane offer with guaranteed satisfaction.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Appreciating the time and effort you put into your website. Searching to remove your Car for Cash? Metal Biz Recyclers warm-heartedly greets every customer with any car they have. With our 100% customer satisfaction, you can easily get Cash for cars Brisbane up to $9,999. Our skilled team will be at your doorstep to remove your unwanted car the same day you get a free quote from us. It’s a good day to avail of our offer.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I remember all the stress I went through before discovering NAZAMIE while I was with my grandma who had Alzheimer's disease. She always accuse me of stealing her stuff, asked same set of questions repeatedly. It was so annoying and frustrating. Getting to know about NAZAMIE was very helpful to her mental health condition though. Sometimes the solution we ignore turns out to be what works for us.
    If anyone needs permanent cure to dementia you can reach doctor Raymond through help@nazamie.com or visit their website at https://www.nazamie.com to learn more.

    ReplyDelete