Great Joy & Great Pain

Last night, my daughter performed in our city's version of "America's Got Talent". It was her first competition and the talent for the night was amazing! Over 70 people auditioned and only 19 of those made it into the actual show; Aubrey was one of them. I wrote all about it and posted the video of her amazing performance on my other blog (click here), but the other part of my feelings about the night seemed more appropriate to share here.

First of all, I am so grateful for the wonderful family members and friends who came to support her in this big show. This is the biggest thing she has been a part of and whenever she performs, she always asks who is going to come watch her. I think it gives her confidence to know that she has her own cheering section of supporters and people who love her. Watching her on stage was an extremely proud mom moment for me. She has grown so much over the past year and I'm in awe of this little human that I had a part in creating!

After Aubrey's number, I couldn't help but to think about how proud my mom would have been to see her granddaughter up on stage. Mom always beamed with pride whenever she watched her own children perform. I have no doubt that she would have been there with us and would have been so incredibly proud of Aubrey's talent. So many emotions were stirred last night, and ever since; like the fading fire that has been stirred in the ash. Many feelings that I have been struggling with have been reignited. It's hard to put everything I am feeling into words. One on hand, I feel incredibly proud and joyful of Aubrey's accomplishments. On the other hand, it has awakened feelings of extreme sadness, hurt and even anger.

Nobody ever said life would be fair. Still, there are moments when the unfairness of it all gets to me. I try to be upbeat and positive, but that's not how it is all the time. I feel like I am such a fragile person right now, that I am going to break at any given moment. I think I hide it well, but there are some moments that I really struggle. It breaks my heart that my mom couldn't live to see this. It breaks my heart that Aubrey didn't have a grandma there to cheer her on; it breaks my heart more than words can say. There are other heartbreaking thoughts and feelings I have that are probably better left unsaid. It just plain sucks that my mom was cheated out of this part of her life; that we were all cheated of having her in it. I have lost more than just my mother. I've lost my cheerleader, my confidant, the grandmother to my children, my friend. I miss her more and more every day. I thought it would get better, but some days it only seems to be worse. I don't know when or if it will ever get any better. They say that it gets better with time, but the void will always be there. It will be there at every birthday party, every recital or show or game, every holiday; graduations and weddings and births. We will think about her every time, and we will mourn her all over again. Somehow I have to learn to live with this without falling apart every time.

Forgive me for my negativity. There are still many things to be grateful for. The people who showed up last night mean the world to me. I know my dad would probably rather be watching a football game, yet he comes to watch his grandkids and support them in their endeavors. My father-in-law made an hour drive to be there. My Aunt Sharon and Uncle Tim came. Other friends and family members came out as well and it means a great deal to me to have all of them there in support of Aubrey.

I try to imagine that my mom really is there watching. Maybe, just maybe, she's on the other side with her parents and with her friends, bragging, "That's my granddaughter!" I can imagine the smile beaming across her face and the loud cheering; the heavenly kiss upon Aubrey's cheek. Of course, I have no proof that this scenario could really exist. I have no idea what it's like on the other side or if they are allowed to peek in on us. All I can do is imagine and hope. It's the only thing that brings me comfort.

The Birthday Miracle

Last week was a better week for me, emotionally. I almost made it through the entire week without crying!

I decided to move forward and start writing another blog. Much of my week consisted of designing my site, writing content and watching tutorials on how to write a successful blog, with a potential of making money. I'd love to be able to contribute income to my family in doing something that I love-writing! I am still waiting on a couple of things before I am ready to launch my blog, but hopefully it will be this week!

Between writing, working on my new blog and working on some sewing orders that came in, my mind was kept pretty busy. I don't think a minute goes by that I'm not thinking of my mom, but I didn't have time to stop and focus on all of the detailed memories that usually bring on the tears.

Saturday was my birthday. It was my first official birthday that I haven't had Mom here. She hasn't understood my birthday in a few years, but last year I did serenade myself in a birthday song in hopes of sparking her memory. I was able to get a grin from her. Call me crazy, but I can't help but to wonder where she's at and what she's doing. Did she know it was my birthday...wherever she is? Maybe, for the first in years, she was celebrating with me, or at least thinking of me. It's a nice thought, anyway.

Jeff and my birthday are 4 days apart, so we celebrated both of us all weekend. Friday, Jeff took the day off work and we enjoyed a little day date while the kids were at school: lunch, shopping and a reflexology massage. That evening, my Aunt and Uncle took my family and me to dinner; of course Dad came along as well. It was really nice visiting with them.

I was determined to have a good day, and I did. Jeff and the kids spoiled me with presents, hugs and kisses, and we spent the day together having fun. We went bowling and stopped by to lookie-loo at some RV's (we still have our sights set on getting an RV!) Later that evening, my daughter graciously babysat her brothers while Dad took Jeff and me to dinner. My dad gave me a very nice card with a very sweet note, telling me that Mom is proud of me, and he signed it "Love Mom and Dad". It meant a lot to me and brought [good] tears to my eyes. Throughout all of this, he still signs every card with both of their names. It makes me feel like a part of her is still with me, wishing me a happy birthday as well.

On Sunday, Dad and I made our usual, weekly trip to the cemetery and we were pleased to see that her headstone was finally placed. It was a birthday miracle! I became very choked up when I saw it. The one thing they forgot to install was the vase, so Dad went back to the truck to retrieve an old cup and makeshift it into a vase while I sat by her headstone. I was thankful for a few moments alone because I didn't want my dad to see my tears. Why I am afraid of letting anyone see me cry? For some reason it was emotional to see her headstone. I don't know why I am surprised by anything anymore, but it did catch me off guard to feel so emotional about it, especially with how long we've been waiting for it. I love that it's there and it was beautifully done; I daresay it is the most beautiful headstone in that entire section. But it was probably the last thing to "handle" with her passing and it is another reminder of how final everything is. It left me feeling a little sad and emotional throughout the remainder of the day. But, today is a new day. This is the start of a new week. I have a lot to look forward to this week, if I can keep my focus!

Finding The New Normal

It's been exactly one month since my mom left this life. In some ways, it seems longer and in other ways, I can't believe how quickly that month passed. It has been such a mix of emotions for me and I admit that it has been much harder than I imagined it would be. While I am glad that she is free from her suffering, I miss her immensely. I feel like I am finally able to mourn her loss fully and completely. Bits and pieces have been going for a long time now, but it's been difficult to fully grieve while she was still here physically. And we learned to love her even with her disease, so there's almost a second loss here. It's a complicated grief process.

For the two weeks following Mom's passing, we had family in town. My adopted-daughter was here, some aunts and uncles and friends from out of town had come in. My brother and his family stayed here (at my dad's house) until Mom's services were over and it was a big comfort to me to have him here. I worried about my dad, so it was a relief to know that Joe was there during that rough transition and Dad didn't have to be alone in the house while everything was so fresh. We drew close together during that time and in many ways I feel like our bond was strengthened. So many times throughout this journey, I have felt alone and it was nice to have sibling support to get through this. As a family, we made funeral arrangements together and ran our errands together and spent every evening at dinner together. I think there was maybe one hour of time throughout that entire two weeks that I was ever alone.

The week of the funeral, my boys went back to school. The week after, my daughter started junior high but she only had half days that entire week, so I wasn't alone for most of the day. Last week was my first full week of this new life I am adapting to without Mom. It was such a strange feeling to get the kids off to school and not have anywhere pressing that I needed to be. I almost didn't know what to do with myself. Don't get me wrong-there are plenty of things I could or should be doing with my time. My sewing business has orders to fill. The foundation always has work to be done. The housework and laundry are never ending. There's grocery shopping/errands, meal prepping, bill paying...yet I have been struggling with the motivation to get any of it done. I have been slowly pushing myself to get up and be productive (it's not in my nature to sit around and do nothing), but I admit there have been a few days where I've gone back to bed for a bit to cry, or visited Mom's grave instead of tending to my chores. Other times, I have taken time out to read a book or to write in my journal or look through pictures, or do other things that I'm usually "too busy" to do. I'm learning to be patient with myself and allow myself the time I need to grieve. I have always felt like I needed to be strong and pull myself together for everyone, but I'm realizing that I need to take the time for myself to grieve. It doesn't mean I'm weak. Sometimes all I need is a good cry and then I'm able to pull myself together to get through the rest of the day.

As for my dad, he went back to work a couple of weeks ago. He's like me (or I'm like him); staying busy is how we get by. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, ha ha) my sister and I live close by. Her kids are over there often while she works and we go over often and invite him out. He has made it his Sunday tradition to visit Mom's grave after church each week. This past Sunday I went with him. He leaves her flowers in his Big Gulp cups, since they haven't installed the vase yet (I say that that is how Mom knows it's from him; anyone who knows Dad knows that he likes his Big Gulps). The cemetery had also been taking their sweet time on getting Mom's temporary marker in, so Dad took the liberty of making one himself. As it turned out, they finally got her marker in, but I like Dad's better.

The sadness in losing my mom will never go away; I don't expect it to. I will always think about what she's missing while I'm raising her grandbabies; about what they are missing by not having their grandma in their life; about what we all are missing by not having her here. I only hope that the sad moments will become less and less as time begins to heal my wounded heart.

Memorial Services for Mom

My dad asked me the other day if I was going to continue writing my blog. I've thought about it a lot. What can I write now that this is all over? There are still so many things I want to say, things I want to write down so I can remember. But beyond that, I'm not sure where to go. Over the next little while, I may write down some of the thoughts and experiences that we had during Mom's last moments of this life. My dad and I thought it might be a good idea to keep this going and share helpful information, updates with The DEANA Foundation, etc., so we will see where it goes. Hopefully people will want to keep reading, but if not, it's therapeutic for me to write anyway.

For this post, I wanted to share about Mom's funeral. There were some friends who weren't able to make it to the service but wanted me to share this with them.

Mom's service was held last Friday, August 11th at the church building she attended as a child and then later moved back to (about 30 years ago). This place was her other home. She spend many hours worshipping, praying, teaching, fellowshipping and serving in that building. It seemed only appropriate to hold her services there.

Despite the sadness and loss, it was a beautiful service. It's an interesting thing: years before Mom passed, she started talking about what she would want at her funeral, "just in case". She shared who she thought would be good at giving a eulogy. She picked out her favorite hymns that she wished to have sung. She wanted my sister and me to sing (the one wish I just couldn't honor...I didn't feel strong enough to sing, but my sister did a beautiful job). My family and I took notes of everything we had remembered her planning for her funeral and put together a beautiful program, honoring her and the life she lived.

We did have a viewing beforehand. Dad really wanted her to look like herself as much as possible, and I know that Mom would've wanted to look her best. Mom had told me on several occasions that she wanted me to do her make-up (she didn't want it left to a funeral home who didn't know her style), so I gathered all the strength I could to honor that wish. It actually ended up being a sweet thing, but I'll save that for another post. Her wonderful hairdresser, who she'd been going to for close to 25 years, went to the mortuary and cut and styled her hair for us. What an amazing gift that was. She looked beautiful and peaceful, as though she was sleeping. In all of the times I'd thought about a funeral, I was always uncertain if I should bring the kids or not. But it seemed to be natural to bring them to the funeral. They all had their sweet moments with grandma before she passed, and they would've been very sad to not attend her funeral and give their last good-byes.

David Robinson put together a beautiful eulogy. My parent's love story was the highlight, a love that saw my Mom through her final days. I'm going to see about getting a copy to add to this post.

We used a slideshow that my husband put together for our gala (you can view the slideshow by clicking here). I absolutely loved this slideshow, especially the video footage that he was able to get in there. I feel like it brought her back to life, if only but a minute.

My sister sang a beautiful song, which I know my mom would be proud of. She loved Josh Groban (the original artist who sang this song) and the words were so appropriate to Mom. I don't know how my sister held it together, but she did. Her friend got some video of her singing.

Mom's brother, Jeff, also spoke. They were the closest of the siblings and it was sweet to hear his memories and stories of my mom from her childhood. I also spoke, on behalf of my family. I shared some of the things that Mom taught us in this life, little life lessons. Some were more serious, while others were humorous and I included some stories and memories to illustrate how she taught us each thing. This included things both before and after her dementia. One thing my dad and I talked about was not leaving out the dementia parts of her life. Hard as they sometimes were, this was still a part of her life and we loved her despite the changes that the disease brought on. In fact, we have many funny stories and memories during this time of life, and we will cherish those forever.

Lastly, we had closing remarks from a dear friend and also leader in our church, Carl Harris. He gave us a beautiful message of hope and healing, reassuring us that this isn't good-bye, but just a "see you later." Mom is happy and free. She is reuniting with her parents and other people she loves. We are the sad ones, as we have this void without her here. But it isn't the end; we will be together with her again someday.

After her funeral service, we traveled to the cemetery where she was laid to rest. Something kind of comical (at least, now it's comical)....when we arrived to the cemetery, the plot that was 2 spaces to the left of my grandparents was dug up. We were a little worried about this because my dad had been thinking that he bought 2 spaces to the right; we thought they'd dug up the wrong grave! Turns out, Dad had looked at the map wrong, so for the past year and a half, he's been taking pictures of the wrong spot. Ha ha. We were just relieved that they didn't dig the wrong spot!

Mom's kids and grandkids each got to keep a purple rose from Mom's arrangement. Dad also bought carnations for each person to throw down on her casket after it was lowered to the ground. Something that brought tears to our eyes was when they lowered the casket; my 3 year old nephew watched as they lowered her and repeatedly said, "They dropping grandma, why they dropping grandma?" I didn't think that he really understood all that was going on; just goes to show that kids pick up on more than what you think. Sweet baby.

Our wonderful ward (church) family put together a nice luncheon back at the church for all of our family and close friends after all of the services were done. It was nice to be able to come back and sit down with family and not have to worry about fixing a meal or going out somewhere to buy ourselves food. They even decorated with purple (which was our theme for the day, since purple is the color for Alzheimers/dementia awareness). They even packed up the leftovers and sent them home with us, so we didn't have to worry about cooking that evening or the next day. What a burden that was lifted from this sweet service that they did for us! We had a slideshow playing (with lots more pictures that people sent in of Mom) during the luncheon and my husband and I put together a track of some of Mom's favorite music that he had playing in the background. I kept myself busy in the week before the funeral by sewing up pillows for all of Mom's grandkids, made out of her shirts, that they each got to take home with them. I embroidered a poem onto the fronts of the pillows, a message from Grandma to her babies.
"This is a shirt
I used to wear
Whenever you
Hold it
Know I am there
Love, Grandma"

My dad said it perfectly, in one conversation we had after Mom's passing: it's like we are mourning 2 losses here. One is the loss of the person she was, the life that we had with her (the life that Dad and she had built together). The second is the person she became. No more obsessive tapping on the doors, no more giggling like a little girl when we give her hugs, no more grabbing dad's hand to take him to the back room to show him the laundry pile that she threw into the corner of her bathroom floor. We miss those little things, yet we still also grieve the person she was before all of this. It's a complicated grieving process.

We are very grateful to all of our family members and friends who came to Mom's service and who have been here for us over the past few weeks. We are thankful for all of the wonderful caregivers that have helped us on this journey; all of her caregivers were there and they have become like family to us. We feel another void not having them around everyday. Several family members and even friends traveled from afar to come pay their last respects to Mom. I had friends who didn't really know my mom, but who came just to be a support to me. We've had meals brought in, gifts left for us, sympathy cards, flowers, phone calls, texts...the list goes on. My dad and I both want to express our deepest appreciation for all of these kind gestures. We couldn't get through this without the love and support that we have received from everyone around us. Since the week before Mom passed, we have had a constant flow of family of friends coming and going. Dad's house hasn't been empty at night since Mom's passing and there have been very few moments that either one of us have been alone. On Sunday, the last of the family members left for home and we are now left to settle into our "new normal" without Mom here. It is hard, but made so much more bearable by the love that we have surrounding us and the faith and hope that we will be reunited with Mom again someday.

First Annual Memory Masquerade

The past few months have been incredibly busy: taking care of my home and family, keeping up with my home sewing business, chauffeuring kids to various activities, taking care of Mom (with bathing and nurse visits and whatnot). To top it all off, I had the crazy idea of starting a non-profit foundation a couple of years ago and we decided it was time to put together our very first charity gala. We gave it the theme "Memory Masquerade" with the idea that it would be an elegant evening that would allow us to come together and honor the memory of our loved ones who have been affected with dementia. The masquerade took 7 months of planning and prepping-it almost felt like planning a wedding! We had to pick a venue, choose a caterer and a menu, find entertainment, work out decoration details, find sponsors and donations, make connections within the community, plan a program. It was a lot of work! Luckily, I had a committee of fantastic volunteers; I could not have done something like this on my own. I feel like a fire has finally been lit with the foundation. People are learning about who we are and people want to get involved. There have been many moments of discouragement along the road, times when I've questioned my sanity at the attempt to start this charity in the midst of my crazy life. But the past 6 months have brought about much growth and all of the efforts that we've put into this are finally beginning to pay off!

To start with, we have received our very first grant, through the County of Riverside, to help fund the event. It wasn't large (the largest grants they are giving out are $1,000, which is what we received), but it helped a lot and gave us (the committee) the confidence we needed to move forward. For the first time, we were able to secure sponsors for our event and we received some great donations for our silent auction! Some of the awesome things we received include a helicopter ride, lunch with the Mayor of Riverside, an autographed copy of Kimberly Williams-Paisley's book, professional photography packages...the list goes on! Best of all, we had support from friends, family, and others within the dementia community.

In the months before the event, I became very anxious and worried. What if, after all of this planning and prepping, nobody showed up? What if we only broke even with our overhead costs or worse, what if we ended up in the negative? Other (more experienced) members of my committee tried to reassure me that no matter what, it would be a success. They told me that if we got 40-50 people out to a first-time gala, it would be a success; if we broke even in our expenses or made just one or two thousand dollars, it would be a success. I told them I wanted to shoot higher: my goal was 100 people and $10,000. I saw some of my volunteers wince as I said it. They told me I should expect half of that. I started to second guess myself. I decided I better not set my hopes too high. If we could reach those numbers, I'd be thrilled; but if we only had 40 people show up, I knew I'd be really discouraged.

Fast forward past all of the tedious details leading up to the night of the gala. Nobody wants to read about all of the sweat and tears that went into it! Suffice it to say that it was a lot of hard work but I am proud to say that the evening was a big success. We ended up with 75 people on our guest list and we raised over $9,000!! (That does NOT count in the value of everything that was donated to us for the event!) Even though we didn't quite reach the goal I had set, it exceeded my realistic expectations of the evening. We had rotary club members and representatives from the city and the Mayor of Jurupa Valley (a long time friend of our family) came and emceed the event. One of the greatest things for me, on a personal level, was to have so many family members come out to support what we are doing. My dad and his sister and brother-in-law came, one of my mom's brothers (and his wife) came, my mother-in-law, father-in-law, and a couple of my husband's siblings came. My twin brother and his wife came in from Arizona. For most of these family members, it was their first time attending a foundation event. It meant so much to me to have them all there. I was so happy that they could see what it is that we are accomplishing with the foundation.

We also had a very touching tribute, honoring those who have been affected by dementia. It started with a slideshow of my mom and then transitioned into a slideshow of others who have been affected. My husband put hours into this slideshow and I must say, it was a masterpiece. I debated on sharing it online, but I've decided I am going to save it for another time. We also had a beautiful table decorated to honor those currently fighting/those who have lost their battle with dementia. We made keepsakes for the families to take home with them.

There were some things that I would do differently for next year, but all-in-all it was a very successful event. Our guests all seemed to enjoy themselves. We had a photo booth (with a photographer on spot) which really added a lot to the evening. The decorations turned out beautiful. I think everyone went away feeling that it was a lovely evening. As we were cleaning up, one of our volunteers (who has been to just about every charity event in the city) made the comment to me, "This is by far THEE best first time gala I have EVER been to." Needless to say, I was on cloud 9 for the next few days!!

It is hard to put into words what this foundation means to me. It is so much more than just raising money to help other people. Of course, that is why I started it; I wanted to help other people and build a community of support for those going through this horrible disease. But this is also a way for me to remember my mom, to keep her alive and a part of my life. When she is no longer here with us physically, this will be her legacy. Through this foundation, we are able to keep her memory alive and honor the life she led. We are able to give people that same opportunity-to honor and remember their loved ones. It is so easy to be overcome with grief when going through this journey, but this has truly helped me to work through that grief. It gives me a sense of purpose and the opportunity to "make lemonade out of the lemons". I am excited to see where this next year brings the foundation, and really looking forward to making the Memory Masquerade even bigger and better next year!

Parts of the event were videoed and will be featured in the documentary that is being filmed about our family journey with dementia (it's due to be completed by the end of this summer!) I will definitely share that documentary when it is finished. In the meantime, here are some fun photos of the evening!
Some set up and decoration pictures:

Some fun pictures with our backdrop:

With the Mayor, giving The DEANA Foundation two thumbs up!

So grateful for all of these amazing volunteers!

Welcoming guests to the Memory Masquerade.